My Sober Life

2008-05-09T21:16:00.000-07:00

Well, I certainly fell off the Blog Sphere..... I haven't posted a word for nearly four months. I have thought about it, but never started to write. Part of the reason I avoided writing was I found myself not willing to write about how I was really feeling. I was very aware of my emotions, but I wasn't willing to share them.

My fire victims finally moved back to their property. They stayed here for four and one half months. What a challenge! I had two people and a boat load of dogs camped out in my living room. Over the four months they spread out into the kitchen, and bedrooms. I tried not to get irritated cause they were in pretty bad shape losing everything in the fires, but I wasn't completely successful. I did more than most people could do, but I expected myself to act like Ghandi. Unfortunately, I lost my temper several times, especially with the guy. Oh well, progress not perfection.......

It took several weeks to get back on track with the house repairs. Part of the problem was all the rain. The weeds grew constantly, the trees needed trimming etc. Now, I am working on my kitchen. I am so excited to have a new kitchen. I can't wait till it is complete, and I can learn how to cook.

2008-01-21T07:46:00.000-08:00

There is a light at the end of the tunnel. My fire victims are getting close to moving out of my living room and back to their property. They might be gone by the end of the month, at least that is their goal. They will have a temporary dog building and a motor home to live in while their house is getting rebuilt. Not the best conditions, but at least they will be able to let the dogs bark and run around. And, they will be a lot warmer.

Since I haven't been able to work on my house I have been spending time enjoying some of my passions. The rains have come to Southern California the wild mushroooms are popping up. I have been going on forays for the last 2 weeks. It is so exciting to forage through the forests and find these delectable little morsels. These 3 different varieties are ready for the frying pan.

Another gift happened this week. I went down to my faceting class and my instructor mentioned that some friends of his were trying to get rid of 2 kilns. They weren't able to sell them so they were just going to give them away. I raise my hand, and today I started moving them to my house. I guess it is time to start thinking about sculpture once again.

Sometimes life just works in my favor.

2007-12-31T10:22:00.001-08:00

Another year has passed....... I spent the morning sitting outside, enjoying the cool air and quiet sounds of the neighborhood. I am looking forward to 2008, and started thinking about my new goals.

I looked at the goals I had for 2007 and only achieved a portion of them. I still have my ex, NVF in the past. Unfortunately, I have taken her out quite frequently to examine the extend that I was fooled. I am completely amazed at what a sucker I was. On the brighter side, I have finally reached the point where I want to date again. I am actually excited about the prospect.

My dancing partner is in the past. She is still around, but I don't communicate with her at all. It is sad, but she has her own path to follow, and I don't want to be on it.

My house is still not complete. The fires of southern California put a halt to any construction. My fire victims are still camped out in the living room with all their animals. It is really hard to get anything accomplished right now.

On the brighter side, I did start learning sabre fencing, and faceting in 2007. I was able to enjoy some mushroom hunting, and explore my passion for figs, and sculpture.

My goals for 2008 are much of the same. To live a clean and sober lifestyle, and enjoy exploring this wonderful world. I would like to get more focused creatively, finish my house, train my puppies, and of course, search for that "woman of my dreams".

Happy New Year everyone. Thanks for stopping by and sharing your comments. What are your goals for 08?

2007-12-21T14:44:00.000-08:00

This is my new addition. Her Name is Remy the Rascal. Her alias is Little Thief. She looks just like Tango, but is a totally different poodle. Quite a handful.

I haven't been blogging since the arrival of my fire victims. They are still camping out in the living room. For the most part, I enjoy the company, but the barking is really stressing me out. I have been attempting to maintain my perspective in this situation, after all, I didn't loose everything in the fires, but I am still stressed. Especially when too many dogs are barking, or they keep barking and no one shuts them up quickly.

Next Tuesday is Christmas. I don't have any Christmas spirit this year. I went shopping for a few presents this morning. It was fun - I even bought myself a few. Hopefully I will get excited about the holiday soon.

Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Happy Solstice, and Seasons Greetings to all of you. I hope you get everything you wish for.

2007-11-25T12:57:00.000-08:00

OMG, it has been 2 weeks since my last post. I will have to do better, and get back to weekly postings again. Life has been complicated since the fires in southern California. I still have guests camped out in the living room - 2 humans and a boat load of poodles. I don't know how long they will be here - they lost everything and have a house and kennel to rebuild. There have been a few times when I was pushed to my limits, but overall it isn't all that bad. At least I have a house. I am a bit lost with 'working on the house' since they have spilled into every available room.

The phrase that I have been focused on this week is:

"When one door closes, another opens; but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us." by Alexander Graham Bell. This is the first time I have read the entire quote. In AA I have only heard the first portion, "When one door closes, another one opens".

This quote has lifted my spirits, and given me hope this week. After a year and a half I still think about my ex, and wonder how she could be with a man. The thought of it is a bit repulsive, but if that is what she wants..... she can have it. I have spent too much energy thinking about what I lost when she left. Time has changed my perspective a bit and I get glimpses of how personally draining her behavior was. It took a whole lot of energy to get a little bit of companionship. Now, I am excited and ready to look for open doors. I have hope that I will find companionship again.

2007-11-12T20:59:00.000-08:00

By the grace of a higher power, a whole lot of help from my friends, and a pinch of good luck, I have managed to stay clean and sober for another year. Today, I have celebrated my twenty fifth birthday.

Life is still a bit stressful, but we are all trying to coexist in the tiny space of my house. My friends are stilled camped out in my living room with all their dogs. For the most part I enjoy having company. The noise from all the dogs stresses me out, but I am trying to get through it. It seems so minor compared to their predicament. I didn't loose everything, I still have a house to go home to..... It's a bit stinky right now, but that doesn't matter cause it's still a work in progress.

Thank you all for your kindness, support and friendship.

2007-10-29T21:13:00.000-07:00

The last 2 weeks have been very trying. I lost my "Old Guy", Mr. Kodi. He had tumors on his spleen that grew rapidly, robbed his blood supply, and pushed on his heart and lungs. I haven't grieved yet, partly because I am tired of losing those I love, and partly because Southern California started burning.

Several of my friends were evacuated during this tragedy, and I spent sleepless nights last week waiting to see if it was my turn. My neighbors and I were on rooftops during the early morning hours watching the fires move down the mountains. It is very interesting how the mind works when faced with making split second decisions.

Now, the winds have died down, and the fires are reluctantly surrendering their power. My friends lost their house and all the dog out-buildings. They lost everything except what they evacuated with. Now, they are staying at my house. two humans and a boat load of poodles...... Life throw so many curves.

I haven't had much time to visit your blogs. I hope you are all doing well, and I will visit as soon as I can.

2007-10-14T21:32:00.000-07:00

I guess I haven't posted any photos in a long time. So, for my blogging buddies I will try to paint a picture.... There isn't a whole lot that is visibly different with my house. Last Friday, the painters started painting the exterior trim. I just don't have what it takes to paint, so I have to pay someone to do it.

The front trim color.

The rear trim color.

The front color is a greenish gray, and the rear trim color is a grayish gray. I chose a color that was more compatible with the brick deck in the back. After the trim is painted then the stucco guys will come back and put the final color on the stucco.

Last weekend I went up to a friend's greenhouse. I wanted to buy 2 Paphiopediluum orchids. 2 very small orchids. Since I have torn down all my covered porches I don't have anywhere to put my orchids right now, but I thought 2 more wouldn't hurt. Once an addict, always.........

He decided to give me 1-1/2 pallets of orchids. Some had some frost damage, and the box of bulbophyyllums, well, he just wanted to get me started on a collection.

So, now I need to build an overhang to keep my orchids from the sun.......

I will post photos of the white hairy ones next time.

2007-09-30T21:29:00.001-07:00

Hello friends,

Once again I have put off blogging. I have been trying for days to come up with a topic that is relevant to my current experience, but they all escape me. All I can think of is busy, busy busy...... and that's not really a recovery topic, just a current state of affairs.

I have been working on the house (never seems to end) and trying to get ready for the final application of stucco. Seems I have been doing this for ages, but I am almost there. I have finally settled on the trim colors. I am going to paint the front trim one color and the back trim another. Next week the painters will come to paint. I don't have the patience to paint so I am more than happy to pay someone to do it.

Last week I started contacting kitchen contractors. I am getting really excited about having a kitchen. It's those little things in life, like doing the dishes in a sink designed for that particular activity instead of the bathroom tub. I will be getting 2 bids this week, and will be contacting another contractor for one more.

I was fortunate to spend some time in a fiig orchard this weekend. It was fun tasting all the different fiigs that are in season here in southern California. I am a total fiig nut and I walked away with two different varieties to add to my garden. If anyone is counting that would be a total of 4 fiig trees for the back yard. I hope to add more next year.

I heard through the grapevine that my friend who still chooses to drink is moving back to her hometown. At first I was sad that she was leaving, and thought about approaching her and maybe even dancing with her again. My last memories of interacting with her happened months ago when I asked her to dance (twice). Once she said, "I'm having an important conversation", and the other time she let her hometown friend push me out of the way to dance "one last dance" with her. I thought it would be important to have a final memory that was better than that one.

That lasted for about twenty minutes, then my finely tuned cynicism set in....... It's difficult for an alcoholic/addict to know what balance is. It isn't something that comes naturally, and I never quite know if I've reached it or not. I usually have to rely on feedback from my friends in the program.

2007-09-16T20:51:00.000-07:00

I'm back. I had a wonderful trip home to the Midwest. The weather was gorgeous - so beautiful that I actually wondered (several times) why I left. Then I woke up one morning and it was windy and cold. I repacked the shorts and the flip flops, and spent the rest of my vacation in jeans and long sleeve shirts.

The family reunion was a success. It was a pot luck with all those old recipes that peppered my childhood. I don't eat that way anymore, but it was nice to enjoy the memories.

It was a joy to see all my relatives again. I have an aunt that I haven't seen in over 25 years. She was always the family favorite. I worried that I would never see her alive again and that was the impetus to organize this reunion. My oldest aunt is 82 and the youngest is 68 so their years on this planet are slowly becoming fewer. I was so happy to seem them and their well polished quirks.

I was able to see my childhood friend. It was a shock to see her, and see how different our lives have become. Her memory is sharp and we talked about all the crazy things we did when we were young. I haven't laughed that hard in a long time. I did make amends to her, but she wasn't willing to drag out all the details of the past, so I didn't push it.

There is something about going home that is comforting to the soul. I love all the attention I get from my family, and I quietly sit there and soak it up. It was so rewarding that we are talking about doing it again next year.

2007-09-04T23:29:00.000-07:00

I am heading home for a visit Thursday, and will be gone for a while. My family is having a reunion. I can't remember the last time we all got together, but it has been a long, long time. There will be cousins from California, Aunts and Uncles from Florida, and many more relatives from the Midwest.

I started stirring the pot earlier this year to have this reunion. I believe I started some time in February. It started with my brother, then an uncle, then a cousin or two. We were going to host it in a park, but my uncle insisted on having it at his house.

Last week, I answered a call from one of my cousins. Her husband was at work and started talking about the reunion to several of his coworkers. One coworker soon recognized that she was familiar with some of the descriptions and started naming specific names. My name soon surfaced, and she asked my cousin to contact me.

At first I thought it was kind of funny. One of my childhood friends happens to work with one of my cousin-in-laws (a cousin-in-law that I have never met!). This old friend wanted to get together and catch up on the decades that have passed. At first, I was excited to get together, but as time went on I began to dread meeting her one on one.

As I discussed this dread with an AA friend it became clear that I still have some amends to make. This was a friend that I started drinking and using drugs with long ago. In early sobriety I did make amends to her, but there are still some memories that give me a sense of dread. I need to clean up this particular "wreckage of my past" and heal this relationship. I have reached the point where I am willing, and even looking forward to making these amends.

See you all soon.......

2007-08-24T10:48:00.001-07:00

I have been analyzing my life during the last two weeks. When I get into these moods - wondering what I am doing, and where I want to go next, I don't always have a positive outlook about my experiences. Many times I think I have wasted my time here on this planet. That belief is what propels me into living life to the fullest, and packing in as many activities as I can. This introspection is one of the reasons I haven't posted in a while.

I choose to live in many different communities. I walk among the sober community, the gay community, and all the individual communities that gather for a specific interests - dancing, fencing, gem mining, poodles, orchids, mushrooms, wildlife etc. Variety and exploring this world is what makes me happy. Sobriety, and the twelve steps of AA give me the opportunity to live this way, and I am extremely grateful.

The glitch is that many times I just don't feel like I belong, especially in the gay community in my city. I use to think it was just me, but as time goes on I see how our community, especially the women, have little acceptance for one another. Amongst ourselves, bad behavior is the norm, and goes relatively unchallenged. Sadly, bad behavior exists in the sober gay community, and well as with those who are still using.

I can't figure out if I am depressed, old age is settling in, or I am too tired to give a shit, but I find myself lacking the desire to keep trying to be a part of the lesbian group. This is the group that I have spent my entire life craving acceptance from. The straight community has demonstrated more respect for me as an individual than the community that I am deeply drawn to.

At the same time I condemn the local lesbian community, I also condemn myself. Why am I attracting , or choosing to keep interacting with lesbians who who treat me poorly? There was a time not long ago that I was proud to continue to treat certain women with respect when I was not offered the same. Today, I don't feel like spending the energy to keep trying. In fact, just seeing many of these women in my vicinity creates an energy drain.

So, the question is: how do I change this pattern that I have developed? How do I draw people into my life that I am compatible with and interested in? Bloggers, what do you do to attract healthy people into your life?

2007-08-08T21:20:00.001-07:00

Tango had her first trackking lesson today. It was a lot of fun for me, and I think she is a natural at it. It took about a month to find someone in the area that did this dog sport, and I found a really neat old timer that has been trackking for over 40 years. I had to drive 1.5 hours one way to get to his area, but it was well worth it.

To start off he laid a linear walking track, and put a glove at the end with a treat on top of it. At first Tango, in full puppy fashion, paid attention to everything except what he was doing. She would track the birds in the air, the squirrels on the ground, challenge the geese, and do 360's in the air. On the second track she paid better attention, and actually follow the scent trail, and by the third time she was trackking very well. I am really happy with her progress, and we are going to meet again next week..

A follow up note about my friend that still wants to drink. I haven't written about her lately because it is not very positive news. She basically has not reached her bottom. Using drugs a few months ago was just a false bottom. She doesn't want to stop drinking and no longer wants to attend meetings. Because of her choices, I have pulled back, and don't communicate much with her. I have reached a point where I don't even want to dance with her anymore.

I don't care for the way she treats me, and she doesn't see anything wrong with her behavior. She is consumed by this disease, and her vision blurred by denial. I have to take care of myself, and protect my own sobriety. In order to do that I have detached from her and her bad behavior. I have turned her over to her higher power. I truly hope that she finds sobriety before it's too late.

Tango with her new haircut.

2007-07-29T20:10:00.000-07:00

The Prride Parade and festival was last weekend. It was kind of disappointing this year, and I have been trying to figure out if it is me, or the event....... I would like to say it was the event, or the folks that put it together, but I'm pretty sure it was me. In fact, I know it was me.

I injured my foot earlier that week so I tried to limit my walking. Usually I walk from the end of the route to the beginning, and stop to say hi and get hugs along the way. At the beginning of the parade route I sit with my sober friends and just before the parade finishes I start walking back to the festival.

This year I stopped in the middle and hung out with some of the girls I dance with. It was a quite group that didn't get out of their seats much or make a lot of noise. When the parade was over we all started walking up to the festival. It is really difficult to get a group of women to walk consistently in the same direction, at the same pace, to the same location. I started falling behind with a group that had to make a stop at the portable toilets. Trying to get them in and out and heading back up the hill to the festival was proving impossible.

While we were waiting someone, I don't quite know who, brought out a pott brownie. They all started sharing and complaining that whoever made it didn't grind up the pott well enough. I was so disappointed to have to see this. I really had no idea that these women did drugs. There were all athletes (not that it makes any difference), and I really only thought they did the social drinking thing.

We finished walking up the hill, and got sucked into one of the parties on the way to the festival. I went in to use a private restroom, but didn't stay for the food. I was already bored with the using, and the length of time it took to walk a quarter mile. I said goodbye to the girls and continued on to the festival alone.

I walked the festival, did a little dancing and went home. It has been a week, and I am still disappointed at seeing the pott brownie. After all this time I still feel uncomfortable around drugs. It's like getting too close to a hot flame. Next year I will have to walk the entire parade route so I can sit with my sober friends at the beginning.

2007-07-18T18:33:00.000-07:00

This is a piece of the tree that fell on my house. It was a section that was approximately 3 feet off the ground. I tried to get the tree cutters to slice off the bottom piece, but my Spanish was inadequate. I have kept this piece of wood from harm for the last six years. I was saving it to....... do something with, but to date, I didn't have any ideas. I am really good at saving things.

Today was the day I decided to wash my truck. For most of humanity this would be no big deal, but for me this was monumental. It has been over a year since I washed my truck. Why? Don't quite know. The last time I washed my truck my ex and I were preparing for a road trip. That was over a year ago. With all the things I have to do, this task always remained a low priority.

I was too lazy to bring both hoses up to the front yard so I could wash my truck in the driveway. Instead I brought up one hose, and moved my truck closer to the water spout. I pulled up close and tried to back in even closer to the water. My truck, for some reason, kept getting stuck, and I couldn't figure out why. I went back and forth, and back and forth on a level piece of ground. Little did I know I was backing over my chunk of wood.

Guess it was time for me to let go of that piece of wood. Now, I need to get my friend over here to collect this little pile.

Priide is coming.......... Yippee

2007-07-09T08:04:00.001-07:00

Last Friday, I was running late to PT so I was driving a bit faster than normal. As I was driving through the intersection before the office, I looked to my right and saw my ex. She was smiling, talking on the cell, and futzing with her hair while looking in the rearview mirror.

At that moment, time stopped. She recognized me, and I recognized her. There is no other reason for her to be at that particular intersection except to be hanging out with one of her many boyfriends. I was knocked off my center. It took a little while for my composure to return, but by the end of my therapy session I was back to what I consider normal.

Shutting the door on this relationship was a very slow process. I know I still have more "letting go" to do, but I have discovered a tiny sense of serenity. It has been over a year, and I have reached the place where I don't have the energy to think about her anymore. When I start to think of her many boyfriends, or how she treated me so poorly I automatically extinguish the thought.

Acceptance, relying on a power greater than myself to restore me to sanity, and letting go has helped me get to this point. I think I am ready to look towards the future, and dream of possibilities. It is a good thing no one gets kicked out of this program for being slow.........

2007-06-29T20:09:00.000-07:00

I am waiting.... I'm pretty obsessive about waiting, and I just hate to do it. Still, I can out-wait anybody. I can wait for hours, days, years or lifetimes. I am waiting for a friend to call. He is coming over to pick up a cord of wood, an old stove, and a sink. I asked him in May if he would come by and pick this stuff up during the month of June cause I needed the room for other stuff. Two days ago I sent an email and reminded him that June is almost over. He is suppose to come over tonight.

People baffle me. I am giving him around 1000 dollars worth of stuff. You would think he would come and get it before I gave it away to someone else. I hope I won't be waiting much longer......

2007-06-22T20:21:00.000-07:00

I think I am suffering from bloggers block. No, I think I am suffering from, "I don't want to do anything I don't want to do." Unfortunately, I have a lot of things that need to be done, and that mindset is very debilitating.

For example, I have been procrastinating soldering the hot and cold water piping for my new washing machine location. Last week I did all the brand new fittings, and when it came time to connect the new piping to the old I found other things to grab my attention.

The problem is that the piping in my house is very old and corroded. In order to get a good solder joint you have to file and sand the old pipe to get it smooth without a single blemish. Otherwise the solder won't hold, and there is water everywhere.

Today, by the grace of something outside of myself, I managed to cut the old pipes, file, sand and solder them together. Out of 32 solder joints I only had one bad one. It just happened to be the connection to the old piping. So the soldering is done, the water is back on. It took more energy avoiding the job than actually doing it. You would think this old dog would learn......

Tango at 6 months.

2007-06-15T10:59:00.000-07:00

It has been a long painful computer recovery, but I can now turn my computer off and back on without viewing that beautiful blue screen.

Scout, for your viewing, a butt shot with a little bit of skin. Grey shorts don't photograph very well so you will have to use your imagination to fill in the blanks.

I missed you guys. It is going to take a while to get caught up on your lives, but I am looking forward to it.

2007-05-31T21:58:00.000-07:00

Hello Friends and fellow Bloggers. My laptop has has crashed big time. That's what I get for never doing any maintenance. I hope to be up running and blogging as soon as my dear friend fixes my machine. And, yes Scout as soon as my laptop will boot I will upload a photo of my shorts. I haven't forgotten. Any special pose you would like?

2007-05-22T22:07:00.000-07:00

Well, I promised Scout that I would model my new cool shorts for her and post a photo. I haven't ironed them yet, so I will have to update this post with a photo. I promise I will do that before the week is out.

I feel like I am cruising on a plateau right now. I am not making a great deal of progress on my house probably because I am feeling a bit burned out. The last heavy rain exposed a cesspoool in my back deck. The previous owner didn't want to dig up the slab to connect the washing machine drain to the main pipe so he dug a big hole in the back, added the drain line outside then covered it up with the deck. It went undiscovered till a few weeks ago. This new project was added to my ever expanding list of things to do, and pushed me a bit past my limit. I became discouraged.

Discouragement is not good for an alcoholic like me. It slows me down into complete inactivity. Luckily, I have been there before, and can see it coming, so I am able to use the tools that the program teaches. Every day I would "Suit up and Show up"; I did all I could "Just for Today"; and I told myself daily, "You are not required to like it, you're only required to DO it". Consequently, I have been making progress, and I have the plumber coming at the end of the week to finish installing the new drain line. Then I can fill in the hole in my kitchen.

On a positive note, I entered some photos into a county fair today. I have been wanting to enter prints in this fair for many, many years. Every year the deadline would come and go. Every year I would regret that I forgot to pay attention. This year I managed to meet every deadline, and entered 4 prints. Now I will wait to see if any are accepted.

2007-05-13T22:48:00.000-07:00

Today is Mothers Day. My mother is no longer on this planet so to honor her memory I go shopping and buy myself a present or two, or three.......

There were many sales going on today which seems kind of strange. You would think that people would have already bought presents for their mothers and be hanging with them today. Anyhow, no self-respecting lesbian can pass up a tee-shirt on sale. So I bought seven of them..... and a really cool pair of shorts. It was a fun experience. I rarely go out and shop for myself.

My friend, Georgia is really driving me nuts. She doesn't want to commit to not drinking. She just wants to figure out how to control her drinking. It is very apparent that she has no control, and when she drinks she behaves badly. It doesn't matter how I see things, she needs to come to her own conclusions, and make her own decisions. I just hope I can survive her process, and I truly hope she chooses to get clean and sober. In the meantime she has agreed to go to three meetings a week. Progress, not perfection.

Tango is 6 months old. I don't know what happened to that little puppy, but she has grown into a beautiful adolescent brat. I need to focus more on training, and less on how cute she is....... I absolutely adore her and she gets away with a lot of very bad behavior.

Happy Mother's Day to all the mothers out there. I salute your bravery.

2007-05-06T21:26:00.000-07:00

Well, I have discovered that watermelons are best left for eating. I just couldn't get a satisfying photograph out of the little charmer.

Last week I was suffering from my perfectionism and needed to have a perspective adjustment (a.k.a. meeting). I have had some setbacks with the house repairs, and was very discouraged. When I get discouraged I loose my motivation, and that generally leads to disaster. It is much easier to head off a disaster with a meeting then suffer all alone in my misery, and Clean up the mess I make because of it.

I contacted Georgia to see if she was up to a meeting. Surprisingly, she immediately said yes. We went to the CMA meeting that we attended before. Somehow sitting in a meeting stops my insanity from spinning out of control, and I am able to put life, and it's petty interruptions in perspective.

It took several weeks but Georgia finally arrived at the real reason to continue drinking. She doesn't want to give it up because it numbs the loneliness she is feeling. The difficult thing about watching someone struggle with this disease is that it brings you right back to your own beginning of recovery. I remember what it was like to not want to feel. I remember staying one step away from loneliness. I remember the overwhelming desire to use. No matter how much time goes by those memories are still vivid.

Fortunately, I have tools now to combat the loneliness. I know what to do when the desire to drink or use rears it's ugly head. I hope Georgia will become willing to discover these tools, and use them again.

2007-05-01T21:42:00.000-07:00

Today I bought a watermelon for the sole purpose of photographing it. I wanted to buy three of them but I held back because watermelon is not one of my favorite fruits, and I don't think I will be able to get the dogs to eat them. I hope to get started tomorrow.....

It's the simple things that are so exciting.

2007-04-23T20:01:00.000-07:00

It has been an entire year since I started this blog. I created it after I found my ex's secret blog where she wrote of all her indiscretions. In the beginning I wrote of my pain of loosing the relationship that I believed would last forever. It took a long, long time to let go of all the good things that we shared together.

But now, time has passed and my cynicism has returned. Sometimes I wonder if that is a defense mechanism, or just part of my core personality. I am leaning towards the latter. I still wonder how I managed to exist in such an abusive, emotionally draining relationship. The more I tried to fixed things, the more she dished out. I can't imagine where we would be now if we had stayed together, but I can guarantee it would not be healthy.

There are couples out there that stay together forever, and with a little effort, I thought I could be one of them. Maybe that will never happen, or maybe it is in my future. Whatever happens, I know that I have finally arrived at a level of acceptance with relationships.

I am grateful that others found this blog interesting enough to read, and offer support and comments. Thank you all for being there for me as I struggle to find my way, and rediscover who I am.

2007-04-17T22:28:00.000-07:00

Well, my friend has decided that she is not interested in going to meetings anymore. She told me that she felt humiliated and embarrassed to go back to meetings again, and that for the first time she felt that she didn't belong in a twelve step meeting. Since this is a program of attraction rather than promotion, I told her that if she ever wanted to go to a meeting, or needed to talk she could call me. I still hope that someday before it is too late she sets aside her pride and returns.

I don't know how it happened, but my life has become really complicated. I am trying to fit in a lot of different, interesting things, and I am running short on time. I now have days where I must pick between three and four different activities to do that evening. Don't get me wrong, I am incredibly grateful for such a full life. Long ago there was a time when I would pour myself a drink, sit on the couch, light up a joint, and think about all the cool things I could do that day. I would spend the entire day inside my mind and never move a muscle. I am so grateful those days are gone, and I get to choose how to make my life exciting.

2007-04-09T20:56:00.000-07:00

I haven't posted in quite some time. Sorry. Life can overwhelming at times.

I went to a funeral last week. My friend's life, or the end of it was celebrated on his birthday, April 2nd. To keep my story anonymous, I will call him Derrick, his lover, Thomas. I met Thomas through me ex, and he soon hooked up with Derrick. I have known them for about three years. Everyone liked Derrick. He was a super nice guy, and lit up any room he walked into.

Derrick developed melanoma last year, and had surgery and chemo to combat the cancer. He was cleared of the cancer last summer. In January of this year, the cancer returned and lodged in his brain. It was called stage four melanoma, and he was classified as terminal. Thomas took care of him till the very end, well until Derrick's family threw him out of the house.

Several weeks before Derrick passed his mother, father and two sisters moved into his 2 bedroom house to stay with him till the end. I don't quite know what happened but Thomas was asked to leave. He started staying with friends, and found an apartment in short order. He was allowed to visit Derrick once a day. On the day of Derrick's passing the phone call came too late, and Thomas didn't make it in time to be with his lover during his last moments of life.

At the Catholicc funeral nothing was mentioned of his life as a gay man, or his contributions to the community, or his friends. The priest spoke of his ascension into heaven, and other stuff that was not connected to Derrick's own personal life. It was all I could do to not stand up and ask the priest, "Did you know Derrick was a gay man? Did you know how well he treated his gay friends?" I spent most of my time at the funeral holding back tears, and getting angry at the disconnect between the service and my friend. What really crowned my anger was that the family was in the front row, and my friend Thomas was delegated to the second row.

This experience was a wake up call for me. I tend to get complacent and believe that we won't be treated this way these days. Gay rights have come a long way in a short amount of time, but we are still not treated as heterosexual couples. It is so sad that we as gay Americans still have very few rights, and our relationships are not treated with respect.

On a brighter note, my friend who I thought wasn't ready for the program texted me that she wanted to go to a meeting. So far, we have attended one AA meeting, and one Crystal Meth Anonymous meeting. As long as they are still breathing there is hope. And, as long as I have hope then I can do whatever it takes to help her get clean and sober.

2007-03-27T20:37:00.000-07:00

My friend has decided that she is not ready for NA. I guess the fear of using Meth again has subsided a bit and she has decided that she can carry on without any significant impact. I saw her Saturday night and she was drinking. I hate to see someone bump along the bottom, but all I can do is wait till she is ready. In the meantime I have to keep my distance.

I think I am getting tired of home improvements. There is still so much work to be done, and the progress is slow. I finally have a waterproof house with 2 of the 3 layers of stucco applied. I am aware of my gratitude when it rains. It has been over five years since I could sleep through a night if the wind was blowing or it rained. The last couple of rains I woke up, said to myself, "Oh, it's raining", and rolled over to drift off again. What a treat.

Stucco in the front of the house.

Stucco in the rear of the house.

2007-03-18T22:36:00.000-07:00

On February 7th, 2007 I posted about a woman that I dance with. I was concerned that she was going down the path of using drugs again, and I asked a mutual friend to twelve step her. Saturday night I saw her, and she admitted to me that she did used drugs. I am grateful that she had the courage to tell me that she used again. She said she would be willing to go to NA meetings, but not AA. I told her I would take her to a meeting a day for thirty days in order for her to stay clean.

She called me on Sunday evening and we talked about her drug usage. I didn't realize how messed up this girl was, and how much she was using. She agreed to go to thirty meetings in thirty days, and she would start on Monday. I was willing to reschedule my life, and go to NA to help her get clean.

Monday arrives, and guess what? She IM'ed me with an excuse to avoid a meeting. I had her call me, and we talked about her excuses, and that she is playing with fire. She said she would be back in town on Thursday and would be ready to go to a meeting then.

Today I am very sad. I don't think she is ready to get clean and sober, and there is nothing I can do about it. I know it is for her to determine if she has reached her bottom, and when she is ready I will take her to meetings. It is really difficult watching someone held hostage by this disease. I will have to see what Thursday brings.

2007-03-09T21:41:00.000-08:00

Wednesday and Thursday I demo'ed the back yard overhang. I don' really know what else to call it. It was a structure 20'x20' that wasn't built very well, and ready to fall over. I have always hated that overhang. It was made of 2x4 posts, and 2x6's placed 16" on center with blocking in-between. On one side it had a 4x12 beam, and it was covered in corrugated tin. It was so ugly and my backyard seems bright and huge with it gone.

Friday the dumpster arrived and I started the exhausting job of hauling construction debris. Normally it takes 4
days to fill it, but I need to get it done in three. The concrete dumpster, along with the concrete demo guys will be here on Monday. I need to remove the concrete patio in the back before the stucco gets applied so the removal doesn't damage the new stuff. Then, the stucco guys will be here on Tuesday.

What I didn't say in my last post, but was thinking is that I am, and will always be grateful for sobriety and the program. The thing that I struggle with is being around alcohol. I am just tired of being around it, and always on guard. Outside of AA, and a few isolated activities like fencing, mining etc, I interact with a lot of normal people who drink normally. They don't have a problem with drinking, I do. I just wish it wasn't such an ever present issue with me.

2007-03-02T20:39:00.001-08:00

My worst day sober, and I have had quite a few, is infinitely better then my best day drunk. Every single molecule of my being understands this, and I would never forfeit a single sober experience, or my sobriety for anything.

I know that for me I could never use normally, and I never did. My first drunk was at ten years old. I went to my parents liquor cabinet, and drank a half quart of whiskey. I would take three or four mouthfuls and walk around waiting for the sensations to take effect. Nothing happened. I didn't feel any different so I would return to the liquor cabinet for more. I wanted to know what it was like to get drunk. From that point on I never drank socially; I only drank and used drugs to feel their effects on me.

What sobriety has given me is the opportunity to fully experience life, to be fully present. I have been able to explore many wonderful things, and I look forward to new experiences. For that I am truly grateful.

2007-02-22T19:06:00.000-08:00

Today is another milestone in the rebuilding saga. My house is finally waterproof. The stucco guys finished the lathing part of the project today. They kept me hopping since Monday cutting wood, nailing lath into concrete, and I even put up the waterproof paper. I am once again exhausted, but tonight it is a good "exhausted". I will be ready for the next rainstorm this evening.

The toughest part of this job was these guys like to sit around at the end of the day and drink beer. The owner would disappear an hour before quitting time, put together a cooler of beer, and come back to chit chat. I never told them that I am in recovery. I don't think that would make this experience go smoothly, so I have been tolerating drinking at my house. The part that really drives me nuts is that they throw their beer cans all over the place. I keep pointing out where the recycle bin is, but they don't retain that info by the time they finish a beer. Tomorrow, I will go and pick them up, along with all the cigarette butts lying around.

All in all, I think I chose the right contractor to do the stucco job. Even with all their whining they did a lot of extra work, and they did a phenomenal job. So far it looks great. I didn't take pictures before sun set, but I will take some tomorrow and post them.

Now, it's time to go dancing..........

2007-02-13T21:03:00.000-08:00

I am so stressed. I have been trying to get my house covered with stucco for several weeks now, and it just doesn't seem to be working smoothly. The contractor that I decided to use was the most expensive, but he convinced me that he would do the best job so I decided to use him. Last Friday I left a message for him saying I finished all the installations and repairs that he required. The following Monday afternoon he still hadn't returned my call.

Late Monday, I called his cell and talked with him. He started interrogating me as to when the interior walls would be finished, if I did all the alterations that he required, and that he wasn't willing to wait forever to put on the color coat or get paid. I reminded him that the inspector was ok with proceeding, and that he required payment in three installations after each portion of the job was complete. He said he would stop by on Wednesday to do another walk through.

Monday afternoon I called another contractor and asked if he was still interested in the job. My conversation with contractor l didn't leave me feeling confident that my house would have stucco any time soon. Contractor ll lowered his price by $1025 and was willing to start on Wednesday. I was content - my house was finally getting protected from the rain.

Early Tuesday morning, before working hours I called contractor l and left a message canceling the Wednesday meeting. I told him I selected another contractor, and thanked him for all the time he spent with me to get my house ready for stucco. Later that day, contractor ll had his workers drop off materials, and I signed the contract.

Tuesday afternoon I get a call from another contractor. I have been trying to find this guy for months. My inspector told me about him, I knew what street he lived on, that he drove a gray truck, and I stopped at a job site to find him. The concrete contractor down the street even stopped by his house to tell him about me. Never heard from him until Tuesday afternoon.

We talked for quite some time about how I couldn't find him. Then he asked me how much contractor ll was charging, and he told me that I was getting taken. I convinced him to stop cooking his dinner and come over to walked the site and tell me what he would do it for. He said he would do it for $2000 less than contractor ll.

Now, I had to call contractor ll and tell him that I decided to go with another contractor. I left 2 messages on his answering machine explaining the situation. He called me that evening, and he was pissed. I finally managed to calm him down, and offered to buy his supplies that he delivered that day. He called me back with a price of $515.56. I said I would talk to the new contractor and see if he would use the materials. The new contractor said that was about $200 too much for supplies, and that I should not pay that much.

So, I called contractor ll back and said that my new contractor didn't want the materials. I apologized over and over for the mess I made, and he beat me up verbally throughout the conversation. All the time I am thinking, "You overcharged me for the job, and then you try to overcharge me for supplies, and I have to take a beating for this?" He finally hung up on me.

So..... I made several bad decisions this week, and had to fix them. I did my best to be honest, and generous with these contractors. I didn't get nasty with these guys even though I knew they were taking advantage of me. I was able to use the tools that the program has taught me to fix this mess, and I am so grateful to have them to fall back on.

The new contractor will start next Monday. I hope I made the right decision...........

2007-02-07T11:44:00.000-08:00

I haven't posted in a while...... Working on the house has been exhausting me, and I've been spending too much time in my head. And, as we all know that can be a problematic for a recovering alcoholic - thinking quite frequently gets me off the beaten path and into the nearest quagmire.

There is a woman that I dance with at the local club. Lately, I have decided to put some distance between us because I was getting to wound up in unhealthy drama. I have written about her before. She drinks, but doesn't use drugs and has gone through treatment in the past for drugs. To date, she doesn't realize that alcohol is just another drug, and she believes that she doesn't have a problem with it.

When I first met her she would have one glass of wine, and then drink water the rest of the night. Now, her drinking has progressed to several drinks a night, and she recently started dating a woman that smokes pot. Unfortunately, she hasn't completely ended the last relationship she was in, and I think she is still seeing that woman too.

She knows that I am clean and sober. One of the reasons we couldn't date is because I need someone who is willing to not drink or use around me. Over the last several months I have watched her alcohol consumption increase and it bothers me. To me, it appears that she is positioning herself step by step closer to using drugs. I feel totally helpless.

There is no way she will accept any program information from me. She has made that very clear - my sobriety, and my program are for me to keep to my self. So, what would any program person do? I called another friend of hers that is in the program. I explained how I noticed the changes, and how I was worried that she was sliding down a slippery slope. This friend is going to figure out a way to 12 step her without giving up her sources. Now, all I can do is sit back and hope she has reached a bottom, and is willing to make changes.

2007-01-28T21:19:00.000-08:00

This weekend I have prepared three areas to have concrete poured next Thursday. I asked for bids so I could just pay someone to take care of the work without my involvement. I was willing to pay extra money so I wouldn't have to do any of the labor. When the bids came in I was totally shocked, and certainly not will to pay that much! Granted, I am totally exhausted, but if everything goes as planned I will have saved myself approximately $1422.00. That is using retail labor, retail rental fees for equipment and concrete disposal, and my own time and energy.

On a brighter note, I did have enough energy to go dancing this weekend.........

3.5 cubic yards of sand, approximately 25 wheelbarrow's placed in the garage....

3" of sand compacted to 110 PSNike, and rebar laid out for tying.

Tango redistributing the sand after it was completely level.

2007-01-19T14:22:00.000-08:00

It's official, the puppy's name is Tango. It took me days and days to decide, and only minutes for her to learn her new name.

New commands learned this week:

Leave him alone.
Stop chewing on him.
Get off of him.
That is not your tail.
That is not your ear.
Don't stand under him while he is peeing.
Come out from under the bed.
What are you doing?

2007-01-12T17:24:00.000-08:00

I have reached a milestone today. I finally cleared out all the messages my ex, NVF, left on my cell phone. The messages dated back to 2004, and I never had what it took (whatever that is......) to erase them. For a long time I just avoided going into my voicemail. The mailbox has been full for many months and no one was able to leave messages. I was okay with this cause there were a few girls that I was avoiding from the present. However, they soon discovered that they could just text me to be heard.

The collection of messages from NVF showed the progression of our relationship. In the beginning they were very sweet and loving, and in the end they showed total distain for me. For a long time I couldn't erase them, and I fooled myself into thinking I was keeping a record of how awful, and abusive she had become. If I ever missed her so much that I couldn't take it, I could just listen to how her voice changed over time. Thing is I never did listen for that purpose; I just couldn't let go.

What I couldn't let go of was how much I enjoyed the sweet sound of her voice in the beginning. However, when I would get to the messages recorded during the end of 2005 and beginning of 2006, I would feel horrible about myself and the relationship. It was interesting how in the end she never had her phone with her to take my calls, or left it in the other room, or in the car, or.......... Still I would save them no matter how nasty they were.

It took two attempts to erase all the messages today. The first time I went through and saved every single one. It took twenty minutes to listen to each one completely. I was getting angry with myself cause I know this woman doesn't waste a second thinking about me anymore, and I should be doing the same with her memory. The second time I went into voicemail, I managed to erase every one.

I feel such a sense of freedom.

Thank goodness this is a program of progress and not perfection on the first try. Otherwise I would have been thrown out long, long ago. I am grateful for everyone who sticks with me while I go through my own twisted process to get to where I need to be.

2007-01-09T20:22:00.000-08:00

I seem to have run out of things to say..... I have run out of thoughts. That is why I haven't posted for a while. I am stuck in the post holiday doldrums; avoiding people and things that need to be done.

I need a miracle. ".....You rush a miracle, you get a rotten miracle." Guess I will have to settle for a meeting.....

The little soul that stole my heart, and all the pink flowers.

2006-12-31T11:44:00.000-08:00

Today is New Years Eve. I hope everyone has a safe, and wonderful holiday. I have been enjoying some quiet time this morning going over last year and planning for the next. I have been deciding what I would like to accomplish for 2007, and what I would like to leave behind. This is still a work in progress, and over the next few days I hope to be finalizing my wish list.

I am happy to leave NVF, my ex in the past. There was a lot of good things in that relationship, and she was the catalyst for some wonderful lessons, but it is time to move on. I must leave one of my dancing partners in 2006, too. It was fun, but not worth all the aggravation that stirs inside of me. This year I have made great strides with the concept, "If it doesn't work, move on." and I would like to continue the mastery of that concept.

I am looking forward to finishing my house this coming year. I would like to have more time to focus on life instead of my workload. A nine to five job is in the cards, and a whole lot less exhausting than manual labor.

I am looking forward to learning saber fencing, and training a new puppy. I would like to step out and learn something new and different from the activities I already participate in. I haven't figured that out, but I am doing some serious brainstorming. Will keep you posted.

Happy New Year everyone.

2006-12-27T18:28:00.000-08:00

Here is my new addition. I tried to take photos all day long, and these are the only ones that were in focus. The rest of the photos have a beige blur moving across the screen. Maybe tomorrow she will settle down enough to photograph.

Right now she doesn't have a name. She is very charming, feisty and stubborn, but willing to curl up on your feet. Without using names for humans, what would you suggest I call her?

2006-12-24T22:34:00.000-08:00

Merry Christmas everyone. I hope you all receive everything you have wished for.

Someone in Chicago has read my entire blog in three days. I wonder who finds me so interesting...... maybe they could email me and tell me their thoughts. I would enjoy the feedback.

On a different note, I have a secret. If you can guess it, I will buy you dinner.

2006-12-19T09:16:00.000-08:00

I have a friend who lives in a small town in Alaska. She is clean and sober, and I have known her for approximately 25 years. We have kept in touch across the years through many states. My friend knows everything about me, and has watched me stumble through the good and bad of sobriety. There is nothing that I am too ashamed to tell her.

Over the last 8 months or so, I have telephoned her at least once a week; many times every other day. She has been instrumental in leading me thorough my last breakup. She was very patient with me while I slowly rediscovered reality and let go of what I thought I could never live without.

To get back to my story, I must add a note about the phone service up in Alaska. The phone company considers the city she lives in "rural" even though it is a city. When the phones go out, which they do quite frequently, they are down for many days. I can be mid-sentence and the phone service will go out. Then, I have to wait days to finish telling her my tale of woe.

Coupled with the irregular phone service, she also has a really old phone which she forgets to put it in the cradle to recharge. When that happens I either get cut off, or can't hear a word she is saying. If you have any idea of my personality, you would be safe in assuming that this drives me absolutely crazy. Did I mention that she doesn't have an answering machine either?

So I bought her a new phone and shipped it up there. I called her and said, "Dear Friend, I bought you a new phone. It will be there in 4 days."

Four days later, I called, "Dear Friend, did you go to the post office and pick up your new phone?" She said, "No, I didn't get there today, I will go tomorrow."

I called the next day, and said, "Friend, did you get your new phone?" She said, "Yes, I did. It is sitting here in the box. I just need to clear off a space on my counter for it."

Two days later I called, "Friend, did you plug in your new phone?" She said, "No, but I did read the box, and it is a really nice phone. Thank you so much!"

"Yes", I said, "It is a really nice phone. Honey, go get the box and open it up." I sat in silence for a long time, so long that I turned on some music. She came back to the phone and let me know that the new phone was plugged in.

Today, I called and left my first message.

Now, for the humor in this story. Together we have nearly fifty years of sobriety....... This experience demonstrates how AA is a program for life.

2006-12-14T13:26:00.000-08:00

First, I am obligated to admit that I have been tagged to play a Blog game, and I must state the rules. I must admit 6 weird things about myself that no one in Blogland knows, and then tag 6 additional people, who must offer up a similar confession. These new 6 individuals must be informed in their comment section that they have been tagged.

A new and improved version of "6 Weird Things" has just been released, and is ready for distribution. There has been some changes and new additions folks, so pay attention. Now, for a new rules:

Number 1: If you have been tagged by a new individual, but you have played this game before, you are not exempt, and have to offer up an additional 6 Weird Things about yourself. These 6 additional morsels about your personality can not be a repeat of the first items, or any thereafter.

Number 2: The only way out of getting retagged is to offer up a new rule in your new posting. If you offer up a new rule to the game, and it doesn't interfere with the old rules or negate them, then you are at the end of the confessions, and you no longer have to play the "6 Weird Things" blog game.

Six Weird Things about Sober @ Sundown::

1. I don't think anything about me is weird, however......
2. I eat my food in order of least liked to most favorite.
3. I don't like my food to touch the other food.
4. When I cook if I get food on my hands I will wash them immediately.
5. I have a thing about germs. I hate touching gas pumps, grocery carts, doors etc. And guys, I always wonder if you have washed the last time you were in the restroom when I am shaking your hand.
6. I guess I have a lot of food issues, and here is another: If I have any notion that the food I am about to eat is bad, I won't eat it. All you have to do is suggest that something might be rotting and I won't eat it. I have gotten into numerous arguments over this weirdness......

I am tagging the following individuals to participate in the new game
:-)

Elizabeth McClung
The Jedi Master
Maggie
Deborah
Tab
Trudge

Good luck contestants!

2006-12-08T18:50:00.000-08:00

I can't think of anything to write about....... So, I thought I would offer to answer questions. Ask me anything you want to, and I will answer it honestly. The only thing I won't give up is my true identity, and exact physical location.

Any takers?

2006-12-01T19:29:00.000-08:00

No matter how hard I try, I can't seem to behave like a normal person. I have a digital camera, a really nice one. It records images on a flashcard. When I bought the camera, I also purchased a 1GB flashcard. I happily took pictures till it was full.

Once the card was full, I transferred all the photos to my laptop. I erased the photos that I considered less important, like the progress shots of my house repairs, or orchids. It was okay to dump these cause there were copies on my computer. However, it was not okay to erase the poodle photos so I left them on the flashcard.

Once the 1GB card was full of only "important" photos I had no choice but to buy another card. So I bought a 2GB flashcard for my camera. I happily took photos till it was full. It wasn't long before this card was completely full of those "important" photos of the dogs........

In the meantime, my laptop was acting kind of weird (or at least more unusual than what a Delll typically does) so in order to preserve my "important" photos, I purchased an external hard drive. I plugged it in and copied all of my "important" photos, and the less important shots to it.

Now, lets do the math. I have photos on my flashcard, my laptop, and an external hard drive. That is on three different physical locations. Could I possible feel stress free about my "important" photos? No, not this alcoholic. Today, I went out and bought a 4GB flashcard so I could continue taking digital photographs.

The only solace I have is that somewhere in one of my books (that are packed up in boxes in the storage container) is a phrase that talks about progress, not perfection.........

2006-11-26T08:41:00.000-08:00

I hope you all had a wonderful holiday, and that it was everything you had hoped for. On Tuesday I canceled all my holiday invites and on Thanksgiving Day I drove to the desert for a long hike. The sun was hot , and the breeze was cool. I love it when I am warmed by the sun, and cooled by the air.

For whatever reason, I found myself not looking forward to Thanksgiving this year. I just didn't want to socialize, or hang out with anyone. As the holiday approached, I was filled with more and more dread. Once I picked up the phone, and canceled my invites, I was extremely relieved.

I had some things that I needed to sort out, and think through, and the silence of the desert sets the stage for me to do that. There are no telephones, TV's, computers, or poodles out there so there is little distraction from my thoughts.

One of the things I needed to resolve was a friendship I made a few months ago. It was with a woman who is in the program, and has about five years sobriety. She actually has fifteen years program, but used five years ago. We spent a lot of time talking on the phone, and when Paalm Spriings Pride came along we all decided to hang out there. She was getting to know another friend of mine, and were in the process of "hooking up". To keep things completely anonymous I will call the new friend Jane, and the other friend Mary.

Prior to heading out the Pride festival, Jane made it clear when she was going to spend time with me, and when she was going to spend time alone with Mary. She set her boundaries, and I didn't really think too much of it. The person I was going with bailed on me at the last minute so I went alone. At the festival I asked them if they wanted to do dinner that night, and I suggested Peruvian food. Jane promptly said that they were having sushi that night, and she would call me when they got back to the hotel. What was a ten minute drive for me (we stayed at the same hotel) took them about forty five minutes. When she called she told me that it would take them an hour and one half to get ready for dinner. After an hour I called to see how they were doing, and Jane said they weren't even close to being ready. I said, "No problem. I am going out to eat."

I had a wonderful Thai dinner, and people watched without interruption. Later on that evening around ten o'clock, Jane called and told me there were done eating and asked if I wanted to follow them in my own vehicle to the gay bar for some dancing. I was quite tired of her behavior by this time so I told her that I would be staying in for the evening.

One more piece of information that you all need to have - Jane lived in Paalm Spriings before and knew her way around town quite well. So, when I mentioned that I didn't know where the bar was her suggestion for me was to call the bar for directions. Earlier that day when I arrived in town I asked her where the festival was and she told me to ask the hotel clerk.

After Paalm Spriings I stopped taking Jane's phone calls, and told my other two friends that I was not happy with the way she treated me, and I didn't want to talk to her. After about two weeks I thought I should at least tell her why I wasn't talking to her. I contacted her, and we discussed our differences. She said she set her boundaries and was quite clear in telling me what they were, and that she was not responsible for me. She also mentioned that my expectations of my friends were too high.

This is so contrary to how I view my friendships. For me, once I have established a friendship I make myself available to that friend 24/7. My phone is always on and I answer it when it rings. If a friend needs help, I rearrange my schedule. If they call at an inconvenient time, I stop and talk to them. This is what I offer for friendship, and in return I expect to be treated well.

So the moral of this long story is: I don't have to have people in my life that don't treat me well. I am willing to accept Jane's boundaries, but in return I insist she respect mine. My boundary is that I don't want her friendship. My life is very full, and I get to choose who I will spend time with. These days I get to choose who I call 'Friend'. How do you define Friendship?

2006-11-19T15:19:00.000-08:00

I have been dancing with a particular woman for several months. I love to dance with her, and we dance really well together. It is definitely 'Poetry in Motion'. The problem is that she drinks. We tried dating, and a few other things.... but the drinking was always in between us. Last night she was giving all her attention to another woman from out of town.

I hate being ignored, and this woman that I love to dance with, was acting like I wasn't in the room. What can I say, I am a alcoholic that has to deal with my feelings without the aid of mind altering chemicals, and after all this time, I still don't do it well. I just can't hide what I am feeling weather it is a good feeling, or one of those not so good feelings.

So, everyone I talked to asked, "What's the matter?" I told a close friend that everyone kept asking what was wrong with me. I was really okay with the situation, and I had plenty of dancing partners for the evening. He leaned over, and whispered in my ear, "Just tell them that you are constipated."

The smile hasn't left my face since he uttered those words. I am so fortunate to have good friends who understand the value of simple solutions.

2006-11-12T09:19:00.000-08:00

By the grace of a higher power, a whole fellowship of human beings, some extremely tolerant friends, and a sprinkle of stubbornness, I have managed to stay clean and sober for 24 years. It is impossible for me to express the depth of my gratitude for the gift of sobriety.

Thank you Higher Power, Spirit Guides, members of Alcoholics Anonymous, dear friends, and bloggers for helping me stay on the path of sobriety.

2006-11-07T19:59:00.000-08:00

I went to Palm Springs Pride this past weekend. I was suppose to go with three other women, but after a boatload of lesbian drama, I ended up going by myself, and hanging out with myself all weekend. Normally, I wouldn't venture out alone to an event out of town, however, by the end of a dramatic week I was functioning in "Fuck It" mode, and ready to manufacture some fun.

I had a blast. The people of Palm Springs were very kind, and generous with me. I left my house with directions from Yahoo to get to Palm Springs. After I arrived, I had to rely on the generosity of strangers to get to the events. At one point I was so lost that I stopped at a gas station, and asked the attendant where the Pride festival was. She said, "Hon, go through the next two lights then make a right, and find a place to park."

The next day before the parade, I was trying to buy a bottle of water. I went into several establishments, and asked the women hanging out if the place sold bottled water. A number of women offered up their water without a hesitation. I couldn't help thinking, "Oh, I like this town......." Once I bought some water, I went looking for the perfect piece of 6" concrete real estate. A straight woman offered me her husband's chair so that I could sit in comfort and watch the parade. How cool is that?

The highlight of the weekend had to be two-stepping with Bella daBall. She was very tall gal with big pink hair, colorful shades, pink mini skirt, and yellow heals. That girl could dance! She was well over seven feet with her hair, and would spin me like I was a feather.

It is just amazing how well my life works when I stay out of the way. I couldn't have asked for a better weekend.

2006-10-31T19:49:00.000-08:00

Tonight is Halloween. I love this holiday! In my distorted mind it seems normal to see people dressed up in fictional characters. I went to Dykea today to buy a small, cheap couch, and the employees were all dressed in costume. All I did was smile as the witches, warlocks, and pirates walked around the store. Wouldn't it be a cooler planet if there were a variety of beings that lived here?

Over the last week I have suffered through some disappoints. Nothing life threatening, or event changing; I just didn't get what I wanted. After a number of these disappointments, I had to look at myself, and figure out why I was unhappy. It was apparent that I had very high expectations of how certain people in my life should behave, and when they didn't follow my script I was disappointed. My outlook improved when I let go of these expectations, and just let people live their own lives.

Happy Halloween everyone.

2006-10-20T14:46:00.000-07:00

I had a wonderful birthday weekend. I couldn't ask for a better time, gifts, or better company. I had a blast dancing, and shopping throughout the weekend. On Sunday I made it to Lush, and should have enough soap to last for several months. While I was up there I had the opportunity to have lunch with Sober Chick. We talked for hours sharing our experiences and talking about sobriety. It was such a pleasure getting to know someone from the blog sphere in 3D.

Seems all my good fortune was spent on the weekend. I started tearing off the siding on the northern side of my house when I discovered a concrete curb right on the siding. I wouldn't be able to replace the studs that were damaged if the curb remained, so I grabbed the sledge hammer and started breaking the concrete apart. To make a boring story short, or at least shorter, I jarred the old water pipes that led into the pool room, and sprung two separate leaks.

These pipes are old, multi-colored with flakes of corrosion falling off everywhere. I shut the water off and started with the modified version of the Serenity Prayer. "Oh my God, grant me the patience to fix this mess". Then I went to Homo Depot and picked up all the necessary parts, and equipment to put the waterline back together.

By sundown I couldn't get the solder to stick to the old 3/4" pipe and I desperately needed to take a shower so I wrapped, and taped the pipe, and used roofing shingles to direct the water out of the house. After the shower I promptly turned off the water and it remained that way till the following day.

After several failed attempts, I finally figured out that the old water line had to be perfectly filed, and sanded so that all the visible imperfections were erased. I filed and sanded for hours till it was time to solder. Soldering the couplings took about 30 seconds each. If one of the joints didn't take I would have to start all over again. And, I did several times.

Then, success arrived, and not a moment too soon. It was time to go dancing.

Laelia caulescens

2006-10-10T19:11:00.000-07:00

I went to my Mycological Society meeting tonight. I was a bit worried about going since it was an activity that my ex and I use to do together. She got me interested in mushroom hunting, and I needed to go and renew my membership without her attached to it.

It turned out to be a good experience. There was a raffle, and I bought 5 tickets. The first item I won was a bag of Hot & Spicy, Shiitake Mushroom Primal Strips. They are meatless jerky made from mushrooms. Then, I won a wonderful book, Mushrooms of North America, by Roger Philips (I hope my blog doesn't come up in Google searches....). It has over 1000 color photographs, and very detailed descriptions of mushrooms. I am so happy I won this book - my ex took all her mushroom books with her when she left. Now, I might be able to understand all these brainiacs when they talk to me.

My belly button birthday is coming at the end of the week (stay tuned, my AA birthday is next month). I have planned a wide variety of activities to keep me busy. I figured I would be without any interesting dates, but to my surprise, a woman is taking me out for a Sushi dinner. Then we will be going dancing. She loves to dance, and more importantly, she loves to dance with me.

This weekend, I am going to drive over to the Lush store, and buy some soap. Did I ever mention that I am a total soap whore? Well, I am. After I am done shopping I am going to meet with another fellow blogger for coffee. It is a weekend I am looking forward to.

Guess it ain't so bad being single..........

2006-10-07T16:24:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow is my mother's birthday. She has been gone for 9 years now. It seems like yesterday. I can't say it's getting easier dealing with her departure, but I am surviving. My brother was such a dork that he would never remember her on her birthday, or Mother's Day. There were many times he was totally thoughtless on Christmas. It hurt her a great deal, so I tried to make those days extra special for her. I would buy her lots of presents and wrap them individually so she had lots of gifts to open. In turn, she would do the same for me.

To celebrate her birthday these days, I buy myself a special gift. This year I bought hummingbird feeders. I splurged and bought five of them. Two were very expensive hand blown glass feeders with fancy hooks. They were just beautiful, but they dripped sugar water all over the deck. I spent the afternoon puttering with hanging them in the best locations so I can enjoy the humming birds whether I am outside, or in. I'm not quite sure how to advertise to get visitors.....

In sobriety, I try to substitute healthy behaviors for unhealthy ones, or loving gestures to get me through tremendous loss. What changes have you made to make your passage through hard times easier?

2006-10-01T21:34:00.000-07:00

I haven't written anything this last week cause I can't think of anything important to say. It is rare for me to be speechless. After the roof was installed, I felt I could relax a bit, and do some serious playing. I did what I do best - I over-booked this past week, and exhausted myself. Part of me just wants to go find a cave, crawl in, and rest for a bit.

I met some new, interesting women recently. They love to dance, but more importantly, they love to dance with me. That is a big change from my last girlfriend. She was trained as a dancer, but when it came to dancing with me, she preferred not to. It was a sad situation that we could never resolve.

I still miss my ex, but I can quickly let go, and focus my attention on something else. I am slowly getting back to who I really am, and who I was before the relationship started unraveling, and becoming unhealthy. I am grateful for the program, and all the different people who belong to it. The program has given me a way to get back on track, and live a healthier life. All I need to do is have the desire to do the footwork.

2006-09-23T08:26:00.000-07:00

I finally have a roof. A real roof that will hold all the rain out. Today was the first time I looked at the clouds, and didn't have any panic stirring within me. For the last four years I have been totally stressed when it rains. I have not slept through a single rainy night. I would wake up, and walk around the house to make sure the water wouldn't blow a circuit, and start a fire. There is a sense of calm, and gratitude inside me that I haven't had for a long, long time. It feels good!

Here are my progress photos:

Applying the hot mop to the flat roof.

The roofers applying shingles.

.

The new roof!

2006-09-15T20:34:00.000-07:00

Sorry that I haven't been posting very much lately. The air is getting cold, and the rainy season is slowly approaching. I am trying to get the roof ready for the roofers so the house will be sealed up. I feel like I am starting to make a little progress with this project, but some days I get really discouraged. I am working hard, but things never quite get completely finished. I have been within reach of getting the roof on, and the stucco applied for weeks now. The inspector came and signed me off for the framing with a few minor additions (he always finds something to add) so I am very close. I want to stop worrying, and step into phase 2 where the real fun begins.

I have decided to take the entire weekend off, and just play. Today, after my carpenter left, I went shopping. I want to send a friend who lives in Alaska some bubble bath. I should know better to go into a soap store unsupervised....... I went in for one bottle of bubble bath, and left with two bottles of bubble bath, and four bottles of lotion. To decide which two I will keep, I have applied Coconut Lime Verbena to my left arm, Pear Blossom to my right arm, Lavender Vanilla to my left leg, and Orange Ginger to my right leg. I am leaning towards the Coconut Lime, and Orange Ginger; both of them have a really nice citrus bite.

Usually I work on Saturday, but not tomorrow. I am going fencing. My buddies, and my coach are getting a bit irritated that I haven't had the energy to fence. I am really out of practice, but that is what they are going to get - an easy target..... or, I should say, an easier target.

Sunday, is an all Women's Tango party. I haven't been doing much tango in the last several months, so it will be good to get back in the swing, or should I say the tango of things.

Life is good. If I wasn't living the sober lifestyle I wouldn't be able to work hard and accomplish something, or play hard and enjoy my time here on earth. Bloggers have a great weekend. Any special plans in the making?

The new windows, and new garage in the front of my house.

My new windows in the rear of my house.

Epiphyllum strictum

2006-09-07T23:34:00.000-07:00

I went out dancing tonight. As I was walking to the club, my mind got on the topic of breasts. I don't remember how it got there, but it had no trouble staying on topic. I had this huge smile on my face. It was kind of funny cause I couldn't get rid of it, nor did I want to stop thinking about what put it there.

Every person that walked passed me said, "Hello"; young, old, it didn't matter. I know they were all saying Hi because I had this huge smile on my face.

I guess I need to make a list of things that make me smile for those times when I really could use one. What makes you smile?

2006-09-02T15:04:00.000-07:00

It sure has been a wonderful 24 hours. Sometimes I am amazed how good life an be. Yesterday, my carpenter got sick, and had to go home. I was so happy to have a day off to do things that I wanted to do. I have been working on this home repair/improvement project six days a week, and it is starting to wear me out. I work, and work, but never quite get finished.

Since I had the afternoon to myself, guess where I went. I put my wetsuit, and gear in the truck and drove down to the beach. I made a date with a bunch of leopard sharks. I think this is an experience that I will never grow tired of - swimming with the sharks. For me, it is like being fully exposed to the energy of life.

The tide was just starting to go out so visibility was not that great. There were many more sharks than last time. I counted at most eight sharks below me at one time. I was even fortunate enough to see a little baby about 3 feet long. It is so thrilling to be floating three feet above such powerful creatures, knowing that I am perfectly safe.

That evening there was an AA convention in another nearby town so I decided to go to the speakers meeting. After the meeting, we were all filing out,and for some reason I turned around and went back into the crowd. I was looking for a friend that was sitting way up front. This woman passed me, and we looked at each other, and said, 'Hi'.

I couldn't find my friend, so I went to buy raffle tickets. While I was waiting I tried to remember that woman's name, and where I knew her from. I am really bad with retaining names. I like to blame it on brain damage, but this was a problem even before I started using. She tapped me on the shoulder, and asked if I use to live in another state. Then, the light bulb went on, and I remembered who she was. I have not seen this woman in many, many, many, many, many (getting the picture), many years. She had been living in the same city as me for past three years, and I never ran into her. We exchanged numbers, and I look forward to getting caught up.

Today, has been so pleasant. I went to my orchid society meeting where everyone shows off what they have in bloom. One of my friends, who rarely goes to this meeting, was there - he has been growing orchid for over 60 years. Another member mentioned that the Rare Fruit Growers were having a sale in the park, so I just had to stop by. It was with great restraint that I didn't buy anything, but it was fun to taste all the free samples. I did get phone numbers and price lists.......

Tonight I plan to do some dancing, but I must retire early. Tomorrow I want to attend the closing meeting of the convention. At the beginning of this meeting we do The Sobriety Count Down. I look forward to participating every year. It just gives me the biggest thrill to be a part of this experience.

For those of you reading that don't participated in AA, this is what happens. At the beginning of the meeting the facilitator asks, "Is there anyone in the room with 50 or more years of continuous sobriety, would you please stand up?" If no one stands, the facilitator moves on to the next question, "Is there anyone in the room with 50 to 40 years of sobriety, would you please stand up?" There is usually at least one person that sobered up in the sixties, and they tell the room how long they have been sober. The facilitator then proceeds with the next question, "Is there anyone in the room with 40 to 30 years of sobriety, would you please stand up?" Once again, people call out their years.

After 30 years, the facilitator just calls out the numbers, 29, 28 ,27, and people stand, and sit when their number is called. The facilitator keeps counting down till one year. After that, people stand for 9 months, 6 months, 3 months and 30 days. Then the count is broken up into weeks until one week is reached. It really gets exciting when days are counted down to the very last question. "Is there anyone with only 24 hours of sobriety, would you please stand up?" Surprisingly, there is always someone in the group that only has 24 hours of sobriety. The room explodes into applause for this person who has just arrived into the rooms of Alcoholic's Anonymous. It always brings ears to my eyes to be a part of this experience.........

Now, it is time for some poodle diving. It is really hot today.

2006-08-27T19:46:00.000-07:00

This was a good weekend. I found some peace inside, and once I recognized what I was feeling, I opened myself up to experience it fully. It is so wonderful to be completely present for such a positive feeling. Granted, the whole weekend wasn't like this, but those brief moments can add such joy to life.

Friday, my carpenter decided to take a four hour lunch. I was so pissed I could barely contain myself. I couldn't get his saw to work, so I picked up the nail gun, and started putting up the 4'x8' plywood sheathing on the garage. He showed up when I was doing this and got really nervous, and jumped in to help. He was so shocked that he actually showed up on time Saturday morning. That nail gun is a neat tool. I enjoyed using it.

Saturday, I went out dancing. I was given the opportunity to do a tenth step, and I was happy to set things right. A while back, I was very sarcastic with a woman at the dance hall. I was upset with something about my ex, and I was an asshole to her. I knew I had to make amends, but didn't see her for a long, long time. On Saturday she was there. I went up to her, and told her that I treated her badly, and that I was sorry for it. She, a normie, was shocked at first, then held out her hand for me to shake, and said she was an ass too. I don't really think she was, but that is what she recalls. It felt good to make amends, and resolve that experience.

When I was leaving one of the guys who works security stopped me, and went on and on about what a great dancer I was. He insisted that he knows because he works there, and watches everyone dance. He went on to say that I was the best dancer in the place (not really true, but I sure soaked it up). I thanked him for his kind words, and said goodnight.

Today, I went to hang out with old friends at a dog show. I haven't seen these folks for almost a year. When a friend came walking up to me I smiled and said, "Hi". She stopped, paused, and said, "You know, the older you get, the more beautiful you become". I was so flabbergasted, all I could do is stumble around for a 'thank you'. Wow! This comment came from a straight woman!

What a joy to be spoken of so well. I have allowed my ex to run my ego deep into the ground. My self esteem is pretty much non-existent these days, so I can easily be blown away with kind words. This was the grand finale to my weekend.

My friends dogs for you to enjoy.....

Clark, a handsome male Standard Poodle.

Hearts, a beautiful female Standard Poodle.

2006-08-22T22:38:00.000-07:00

Today, I told my carpenter that if he wanted to work that was fine, but I wouldn't be around. I put my stuff in a large trash bag, and drove for a couple of hours to swim with the leopard sharks. The ocean was cold, but with my wetsuit I was able to stay in for an hour. Then I took a break, ate a few power bars, tried to warm up, then went back for some more snorkeling.

It was fun. There weren't many leopard sharks out today, but the sting rays and shovelnose rays were abundant. There were several schools of neon blue fish, but I don't know what they are called. It was kind of scary when the wave would drop, and there were 6 or 7 Shovelnose Rays underneath me. They scattered very quickly, but sometimes I was too close for my comfort.

The leopard sharks are breathtakingly beautiful. They are up to 7 feet long, and have big markings just like a leopard that are 6 or 8 inches wide. They eat crabs and small fish in the shallow waters so they swim on the bottom of the ocean. I think the season has just started so they should become more plentiful into next month.

The last time I went snorkeling with the leopard sharks I was with my girlfriend. I was kind of sad to be doing this all alone. But, during the day, I was glad that I was able to have my first experience of swimming with the sharks with her. It was a very exciting time, and left me with a very pleasant memory.

Sometimes life is so rewarding.

2006-08-18T21:15:00.000-07:00

Another week has passed me by. I don't have anything to blog about except to share a few pictures of the progress of my house. Sorry folks, I wish I had a more interesting, juicy life to blog about, but it is rather boring right now. Work, work, work is all I do......

So, for show and type:

Here is my front yard on Tuesday....... On the right is the 8'x16'x8' trash container and my trusty wheelbarrow. The old roof is in the foreground, and the pile of debris is as tall as me (5-4).

And here is my front yard today. It took four days to put all that construction debris in that 8'x16'x8' trash container. I still have more to put in there, but I haven't removed it from the house yet. That is my goal for tomorrow.

For something a little more interesting, here is a picture of Paphiopedilum Prince Edward of York that is starting to bloom.

2006-08-13T19:35:00.000-07:00

Well, I know everyone has been checking my blog in anticipation of the latest house construction photos. I aim to please, so without further dialogue, my roof in it's present condition. I know that you would all quickly bypass any body shots, or poodle shots, and go directly to the truss shots so, for your viewing pleasure, I have included them too. I am almost ready for framing inspection, but we keep finding things that need to be fixed.

My new carpenter is a good carpenter, and he knows his trade, but he comes with his own style of mental illness. Hopefully, I can tolerate his defects, and he can tolerate mine to get the framing done. I would love to get the house sealed up soon so I can relax and maybe take a small break. I am getting really tired of working so hard.......

The new roof........

The truss shot everyone has been waiting for........

The new living room wall.......

2006-08-09T20:49:00.000-07:00

As of today, I have a new carpenter helping me. I am glad the other guy is gone. He made a mess of things, and argued with me at every step. The new guy, Manny is a nervous Nelly, but he is not hard of hearing, and he doesn't argue with me. We worked all day long, and not a single argument. The other guy, Gary had his antenna out looking for any statement from me that he could disagree with. I didn't realize how exhausting that really was.

Manny comes with his own set of character defects (Not that I am taking his inventory.....). First, he was late, which is in direct conflict with my obsession of being on time. When he left for lunch, his car broke down, and it took him 2 hours to get back. He blew my circuits several times with all his power tools, which took quite a bit of time to get things up and running again. But, he didn't argue with me. It really made for a pleasant day, out in the hot sun pounding nails.

I am hoping to have an roof inspection on Friday. I will take some pictures when all the framing is done and post them here.

FYI, I am going to change my name from Clean & Sober to Sober at Sundown. It seems a number of bloggers are having trouble with Clean & Sober as a name, so I decided to make who I am online simpler to understand.

2006-08-06T08:50:00.000-07:00

The only good thing my ex did for me this year (it's not much) was to plant these sweet peas in my yard. It gave me a lot of joy to photograph them while they were in bloom.

I haven't blogged about my ex for some time now. I am almost over her, but there are still moments where I miss her immensely. To be honest, it is more than moments.... I still think of her from sun up to sundown. Half the time I am angry at her for her betrayal, and the other half, I miss her companionship. It has been a slow process of letting go, taking back, and letting go again. The difference now is that the emotional intensity is not as strong.

She has made her choices, and I have to accept them. Right or wrong, she has chosen to be with someone else. She may be happy, but I am choosing to think that she is not. I am enjoying this perception...... But, either way, I need to search for someone who wants to be with me. She has spent the last several months, actually the entire year expressing how inadequate I am for her. I have come to realize she will never change, and for whatever reason, she needs to maintain this opinion of me. No matter what good I have done for her, it will never be reflected in her perception of me.

Oh well. Live, learn, and continue to explore life. That is all I can do.

2006-08-01T17:42:00.000-07:00

Gay Pride was fun. What can I say, I feel so at home with a bunch half naked women, and men dressed up as women (and I mustn't forget all the handsome men that are totally ripped). I went to both the parade and the festival. I only walked about 4 or 5 miles, but it felt like a marathon. I saw some old friends I haven't seen in a while, and was able to get some dancing in at the festival.

BTW, I saw that girl that was hitting on me Thursday night, and I was completely unimpressed. I am grateful that I didn't pursue anything. It's amazing how a different environment will illuminate personalities. It was fun cruzing, but she is definitely not my type.

After stopping at home for a quick bite and a shower, I ventured down to the bar to do some more dancing. I connected with a woman that I usually only greet and walk on by. We had a blast. I never realized how funny she was . We tried dancing together, but we giggled through most of it. Neither one of us was able to lead the other. I couldn't see around her cause she was too tall, and she usually follows so is a bit rusty on leading.

Needless to say, I stayed out way too late on Saturday. Sunday was a bust. I didn't even have the energy to go poodle diving......

2006-07-28T20:13:00.000-07:00

Once again, I am exhausted. We only worked half a day today, but I am beat. I didn't really work that hard, truth is, I was just out too late last night. I went dancing at the local pub, and didn't get home till midnight. There was a woman there from Columbia, and she was hitting on me. I must say, I was soaking up all the attention. I have been spending so much time grieving the loss of my last relationship that I haven't been receptive to anyone's attention. I might be able to get use to this again........

Tomorrow is the Pride Parade. I have intentionally stayed home tonight so I can recharge my batteries. I need the energy to be a social butterfly all day, and then go out dancing in the evening. I am looking forward to seeing people that I haven't seen in a long time. Who knows, maybe some interesting girls will cross my path.

Will keep you posted......

2006-07-23T16:50:00.000-07:00

This weekend was too hot to do anything but sweat. The air was hot and humid, and us softies from southern California have little tolerance for this kind of weather. I basically crashed, burned, and skidded to a stop. My only other activity besides shopping included poodle diving with Kodiak, my standard poodle.

When I moved into this house, every single one of my poodles took their turn at falling in the pool. Kodi was the first. One day I looked outside, and there he was in the deep end, hanging on for dear life. I have no idea how long he had been hanging there, but I ran to his aid. I couldn't tell you how many times I have grabbed him by the neck, and pull him out since then. His dear friend Keisha use to butt check him into the pool all the time. She weighed 20 pounds less than Kodi so it must have been all in the timing that she could knock him in.

To avoid an unexpected sight of floating poodles (or would that be sunken poodles?), I taught them all to swim towards the steps to get out. This has worked against me a way. I can't keep anyone in the pool very long. Their only goal seems to be to swim to the steps to get out, then wait to be carried back in.

So now I have a standard poodle who loves to swim, but is afraid to get into the water. I use to get out of the pool, pick him up (all 65 pounds), and carry him into the pool. I grew tired of that after several seasons, and just started pulling him in. It is really hard to yank a 65 pound mass who doesn't want to move, so yesterday, I decided that we would try poodle diving to get him over his fear.

He would stand at the edge of the pool, I would grab him by the collar, put my other hand under his belly, and toss him in. At first I was really gentle with him, and tried to make sure he didn't go under water, but after a while I would toss him farther and farther out. Eventually, he started going under the water, but would pop up and start swimming (not bad for a water dog). He would climb out, shake off and prepare to do it again. Needless to say, he had a blast. I am hoping that someday he will jump into the pool on his own......

2006-07-21T21:13:00.000-07:00

This week I learned how to bend rebar with a tool called a Hicky. I bent all the 1/2" rebar to 90 degree angles for the corners. Each bar is 10 feet, and you put this tool in the center. The tool has 3 hooks on it that hold the rebar in place, and a long handle. Then you put your foot right next to the tool to help stabilize it, and pull. I am not quite tall enough, or heavy enough to do this without ending up on the concrete, but it is a soft landing.

I explained to my worker that he, and his friend were costing more to build the footings than it would have been to hire my old contractor who was cheating me. I was proud of how I handled it. I didn't yell, scream or belittle him. I just told him how I perceived the last two weeks, and why I was so bitchy. I told him that his friend was not welcome back, but that he could come back on Tuesday. Then I said, "I'm done bitching, so what needs to be done." We spent the rest of the day building forms and tying rebar.

I took today off. I haven't had a day off in almost 2 months. I went shopping for shorts. Did you know that you can't buy shorts in July in Southern California? Have you ever heard of such a thing? Pride is next weekend, and this girl is not prepared! I went to 2 malls, and finally found one pair of shorts, but they don't fit very well. I'm not complaining (too much), but they are a size 4, and too fricken big. I have always been able to fit into a size 4, but since it became popular to be petite, the sizing has increased dramatically. I took them home, washed them in hot water, and now they are drying on the hottest setting. Wish me luck bloggers, I have to look good next weekend!

Shopping is exhausting, but good for the soul......

2006-07-18T20:13:00.000-07:00

Sorry for not posting very much the last few weeks. I sit down at the end of a day around 7pm, and nothing much works anymore. The brain is asleep, the arms are heavy, and my typing skills become nonexistent.

I almost fired my worker and his buddy today. My worker told me that his buddy was a really good concrete footing professional that really knew his shit. Unfortunately, that is not the case. He needs a lot of direction, and waits till he is given a task before he does anything. So, I lost my temper again today, and told my worker that I didn't think his buddy was worth his wages, and that I could get a go-for in here at a much cheaper rate.

My worker wanted to help his friend who is down on his luck, and needed a job, so he brought him over. I don't mind helping someone out, but if they can hardly wait till beer-thirty at the end of the day, I get a little irritated. I have decided to keep him for the rest of the week till all the forms are set, and then he has to go back home. I feel like I am getting one guy for the price of two, and we are not getting the job done any faster.

That brings me to my biggest character defect. I am trying to be patient, but I keep loosing my temper. I have not been even a "fair" example of sober living the last few days. When you hire individuals, and not companies, you never get the best and brightest. I know that, and I can hear my mind telling me that, but I still get impatient with these guys. It is all based on expectations. I expect a certain amount of work done each day. When I see how little has progressed at the end of the week, I get impatient. And, I am not any good at hiding my feelings. It is simply torturous to stay calm, and try to get the most out of these guys.

For example, I don't have a roof covering my house. We took it off last month. I have been trying to get it put back together, but it keeps getting delayed by other tasks. Saturday, at 5:30 in the morning, it unexpectedly started raining. All I could do was get up and go sit in the living room and watch the rain saturate what is left of my house (luckily, I only blew one circuit).

On Sunday, I got up on the roof and started assembling the boards, and nailing them on. On Monday, the guys were functioning at their usual speed, and I had to get really agitated to get them up on the roof. They installed about 80% of the boards, and called it beer-thirty. Today, I had to go up there and finish the entire east side of the roof. At least in the east side, I have something to nail plastic to when it starts to rain. The west is still a big open hole.

Today, I feel a little overwhelmed with all the work that needs to be done in such a short period of time. I am trying to focus on 'one thing at a time', in "one day at a time" and make it through the week. I think I am just exhausted, and need a few hours of sleep before tackling the project again.

I feel like I am just rambling, but thanks for reading..........

2006-07-14T19:35:00.000-07:00

I am so exhausted. No matter how much I do, there seems to be very little progress with rebuilding this house. Yesterday, we installed the trusses on the roof, and today we discovered that they are about a foot too high to match the rest of the roof. The truss manufacturing guy came out and tried to convince me that I needed to buy more trusses. When that argument fizzled, he tried to blame the person that produced the drawings for the renovations (that was me) for annotating the wrong pitch. When he finally realized that a pitch was not designated, and he was the one that made the assumption for existing roof pitch, he gave in and reluctantly offered to remake the trusses. They will arrive on Monday.

The trusses....

The guy that is helping me rebuild is big, and strong and most the time, dumb as dirt. I am grateful that he is big and strong, but I wish he would think about things a bit more. He drove me crazy today. Yesterday, we had the footing trenches dug to the proper depth of 18". He got obsessed with the bottom corners of the trenches and insisted that in order to pass inspection, they had to be more square. He just bought a new drill bit to fit in this massive drill and I think he wanted to use that more than adjust the bottom of the trench. In a short time he dug up more dirt, and made the sides perpendicular to the concrete slab.

All the while he is adjusting the shape, he is walking up and down the trench and compacting everything he has loosened. I cleaned up the mess he made, and remeasured the depth. I lost 2" with his brilliant idea, and now my trench was only 16" deep. I bitched about loosing the 2", and he got his trusty drill and redug the entire trench again. This time he helped shovel the rocky clay out.

Now, the trench is too big - 14" x 20", and he tries to get in there to straighten out his bottom corners. We got into another pissing match about the corners, so he decided to go have lunch. I don't think it really matters if your corners are not perfect if the trench is growing in size - somewhere in that 2" radius you will be able to fit a perfect 90 degree angle.

Sorry it is taking me so long to get to my biggest gripe. While I was digging out the remaining clay, he was sweeping the debris on the concrete. He started sweeping the stuff right back into the trench. I told him to sweep in any direction so long as the dirt and clay doesn't get back into the trench. He got really pissy, and told me that he was sweeping the dirt back in so I could pick it up again. Can you believe that? Hey, you missed the wheelbarrow, so I will help you and put the dirt back in the trench so you can shovel it out again.

So, I spent the entire day digging trenches that didn't need to be dug, and hauling about 15 wheel barrels full of wet clay and river rock in full sun. The temperature was 90 degrees in the shade........ I am sooooooo tired.

This is what the trench looked like yesterday......

What manual labor can do for you.

2006-07-12T21:52:00.000-07:00

This is my beautiful Cricket. She was a charming poodley girl who was always hunting in the backyard. We lost her on Monday, and she will be dearly missed.

I lost both Cricket and her mother, Willow in less than three weeks. I am not ready to deal with the emptiness and sorrow that is in my heart. In time, I will grieve, but right now it is too overwhelming.

2006-07-09T19:06:00.000-07:00

I am pretty tired this evening. I spent this weekend digging trenches so my house and garage footings can be formed this coming week. I was swinging a pick and shovel in full 90 degree sun on Saturday and Sunday. Sometimes I wonder where my sanity has gone. I don't think a normal person would do this.

My previous Ex, (not NVF) called me this morning crying. She had to take one of our poodles into the emergency hospital. Apparently, Cricket is going into liver failure, and jaundiced overnight. Cricket is a little doll. Her only fault is that she loves to be heard, and is very adamant about it. Her time is limited here on earth, and it saddens me to see her go.

My world is getting pretty empty. They always say, "When one door closes, another one opens". I wonder if people just say that phrase to make you feel better, or if it is really true. Has there been any type of study done on common phrases, and their validity? I don't really believe in this phrase, but I will keep track of how many doors open during the remainder of this year, compared to how many have closed.

It doesn't sound like it, but I did have a good weekend........

2006-07-05T21:49:00.000-07:00

Today was a milestone - I got my building permits! The city issued this 5-4, petite lesbian building permits to rebuild her house. I am so jazzed. I did this without the aid of an architect, or structural engineer, or contractor. They all tried to convince me that I needed them.

Now, I should probably tie this into living sober since that is what this blog is suppose to be about..... I believe that if I would attempt such a daunting task while using, I would never get past the point of thinking about rebuilding. I would spend my days analyzing how to rebuild, spend my nights talking about it, and wake up the next day to do it all over again.

Sobriety has given me the opportunity to live life to the fullest, the motivation do what needs to be done, and the ability to find some time to still have fun. For that, I am grateful.

Today was a good day. Life is good.

2006-07-01T17:47:00.000-07:00

I spent the last 2 weeks working on my house and avoiding my latest loss. I lost all the data for my drawings to obtain building permits the same day I lost my Willow. I spent a week where I did nothing but recreate those drawings. I am grateful the inspector likes me.... cause he overlooked a great deal. I don't have building permits yet, but should get them next week (the planner doesn't like me much).

This last week, we worked on demolition. I have a guy helping me that was difficult to get use to, but eventually grew on me. He is big and strong, has a girlfriend, and knows construction. What more could a lesbian want. He can only help me for the next few weeks so posting might be sparse cause we have a lot of work to do. I am hoping that we can build 4 new walls, repair the roof, and build a new roof before he goes back to Nevada. The garage will have to wait.....

Today, I tore off the old roof. My roofer wanted to charge me $1600 to remove the shingles and paper. I thought it was too much money for something that I could do myself. I really have a hard time shelling out money for something that is simple. I got it almost all done in about six hours. I still have to remove the nails on the back side and then remove the paper. I figure 2 more hours.

So, one girl, eight hours, saved $1600. I would say that is a good day. That extra money could take me and my next girlfriend to Hawaii. That is a wonderful thought.

The roof.

This is the back of the house where the roof was damaged.

This is the front of my house. We just removed the damaged wall.

2006-06-23T22:56:00.000-07:00

This is my dear sweet Willow. She spent 13 years with me, and it just wasn't long enough. It never is. She was the best dog I have ever had, and I regret to share that I lost her this week. On the same day, I lost two hard drives with all my data on them. It hasn't been a very good week.

I will be taking some time off to grieve, and put my data back together. Stay well, and I will see you soon.

2006-06-19T13:56:00.000-07:00

The greatest of faults, I should say, is to be conscious of none.

Thomas Carlyle (1795-1881)

2006-06-16T08:02:00.000-07:00

I went to see my acupuncturist today for a treatment. I have been seeing this doctor since 1987, and I believe she can heal anything. When I was laying face down on the table, relaxing for her to insert the needles, she started telling me that my ex was bring a family member in to see her. I asked if it was her mother and she said it was Scott.

Every muscle in my neck and back tensed up. Scott is her new boyfriend. NVF is half Chinese, refuses to do herbs, is afraid of needles but she wants her new boyfriend to see my doctor. I completely failed at "taking the high road", and told her that NVF is a liar, cheat, and I couldn't hold it in, a whore. Needless to say, my treatment was a total bust.

I spent the rest of the day discussing, with the committee between my ears, and a good friend, how I was going to publicly respond. All the options I came up with would make me look like a total fool, but I would feel better. In the end, I decided to do nothing, and not interfere with her choices.

I am looking forward to the day when she goes off to school, and leaves town. Even though I haven't seen this woman in over a month, I keep bumping into her presence. I am in a hurry to get her buried into my past so that I can get on with exploring life.

2006-06-12T21:30:00.000-07:00

Another beautiful day here in southern California. I started working on my electrical wiring, but didn't get very far. Some of my tools were missing...... Hmmm, they were broken in February and I am still waiting for replacements. You would think that another resentment was brewing, but quite the opposite. I will have to replace them myself, and not wait any longer for NVF to become responsible.

I went fencing on Saturday, and once again, had a blast. I fenced with Chris, Ian and Alex. What a group! Chris is a quiet, mild-mannered epeeist, who fences foil when his real opponents are not around. Put this guy on the strip with a sword, and he becomes a wild man. He was having a bit of trouble aiming for the lame`, and scattered welts up and down my left side. One poorly aimed thrust went under my jacket, down my sweats, past the skivvies, and skidded over my abdomen to rest just inches above one of my favorite body parts. I might have to invest in some additional protective gear to continue fencing with Chris.

Ian is a young college student that doesn't waste any energy. His technique is as smooth as a well oiled machine. I don't know of anyone else that can parry and riposte with such fine precision. He is so much fun to fence.

Alex is a middle-age Italian with orangutan arms. He generally has up to three girlfriends at a time, and his only admission is, "Never trust an Italian." Sometimes I beat him, and sometimes I don't. It is always a guessing game with him because I never know what he is going to do. Somehow he defies the laws of physics.

They all managed to protest when I tried to leave early to attend the pottery sale in the park, so I stayed an additional hour. I am way too out of shape to fence for three hours straight. Add several hours of two-stepping that evening, and this old body was saying bad things to me. Sunday was a day of non-movement with only a Tango lesson in the evening.

Life is good.

2006-06-07T22:21:00.000-07:00

I decided to be responsible the last several days, and design the electrical circuitry for my house. I am going to rewire my house, and have the electricians put in a new service. I almost have it all down on paper. I still need to account for one light and 2 receptacles..... Oops.

Last Saturday I stopped by my fencing club to pay my dues for the month. In order to avoid a certain someone, who you have all heard about, I haven't gone fencing for two months. My ex is a very good fencer, and she got me started in the sport. While we were together, I became very passionate about fencing, and after we split, I didn't know if I could maintain that passion. So, I decided to appear in person and see how I currently felt about the sport, and the people there.

I received such a wonderful, and warm welcome from my buddies and coach, that it made me really happy. I didn't realize that I missed them so much. Tonight, my Tango buddies decided that dancing wasn't in the stars, so I went fencing instead. I went to the hour group lesson, and fenced the "really good" fencers for an hour after that.

Tonight my soul is content, although my body is a bit sore. I realized that I really miss fencing. It is a thrill trying to hit someone with a three foot ice pick, and not get hit in return. I missed all the dorky guys, and my favorite lefty, who always kicks my ass. Tonight I discovered that I do still have the passion for fencing. Deal with it, she must, because I will be back..........

2006-06-03T23:03:00.000-07:00

My day was jammed with all kinds of activities, so I spent a lot of time driving all over the county. Once again, I had too much time alone with myself to think about current events. On this occasion, I chose to be positive and asked myself this question: If you could have three things, characteristics, or behaviors, from your previous girlfriend, and place them in a future girlfriend, what would they be?

To my surprise it took me all day long to decide what those three things would be. I even called a friend, who is well versed in my misery, for some assistance. She gave me one of the characteristics.... she must have felt sorry for me coming up empty.

So fellow bloggers, tell me what is important to you. If you are single, what would be three characteristics in a partner that you would love to have, if you are married, what three characteristics do you absolutely cherish? I will share later.

2006-06-02T11:12:00.000-07:00

Well, I am tired of looking at my kitchen, both online and in real life, so I better think of something to write......

As each day passes I get more clarity about who I was really involved with. I have fiercely clung to the things that were good, and refused to acknowledge what was wrong. I refused to acknowledge how poorly she treated me. I know she is capable of changing her behavior, but it is clear that she has no intentions of doing so. I must stop waiting for that to happen. I finally realized this woman is not going to treat me well anymore.

I am able to change perspective, look at my errors, and modify my behavior. Today, I can focus on how I can make my life work better. I am really excited about the possibilities again......... It is so easy for me to lose this focus . I tend to forget to see what is good in my life; there are so many things to do, so many new things to discover. Today, once again, the sun is shining, and I am up for the challenge.....

2006-05-31T17:23:00.000-07:00

My Kitchen:

This is where the stove and bathroom use to be. Notice the hole in the floor......

This is where the kitchen sink should be.......

See, no kitchen, no cook........

2006-05-30T09:58:00.000-07:00

I have spent the morning waltzing around the confines of my mind, 1, 2, 3. 1, 2, 3. You're powerless, something else is, just turn it over. Unfortunately bloggers, I'm not any further along today than I was yesterday. I really miss my companion. She, on the other hand, has made her substitutions, and moved on. Without the aid of drugs and alcohol, I can not shut down my feelings so I must suffer through to the end of my process.

I do not like being single. I rediscover this every day. It is not so much being single as being alone. I have spent my life struggling with this character defect. I wish I could embrace it, and rectify it, but it is always beyond my grasp.

This feeling consumes me with each passing relationship. There is such eminent dread, and fear associated with the thought of being alone. It's like a black hole that I can't escape. I know I will pop through to the other side, I just don't know when. Then, I will look back, and wonder why I was so devastated with this ending.

2006-05-26T15:33:00.000-07:00

If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace.

This paragraph always gives me hope to meet life's challenges. I am a total sucker for the promise of serenity. Today I met with a contractor. She told me, "When one door closes, another one opens." I have been repeating that phrase all day long.

Today, I am excited about all the possibilities that life has to offer. I still want a special woman to share it with, but I must believe when it is time she will appear.

2006-05-24T20:42:00.000-07:00

It's a good thing that my ex is in Boston. It has given me the time to unscramble myself, and get my feet back on the ground. I spent too much time trying to fix our relationship, and she just waiting for the next one to start. I can see that now.

I really shouldn't be shocked, after all, she started with me before she ended her last relationship. Somehow in my twisted mind I thought I was special; this relationship was special. I truly believed we would stay together forever. In reality, my love for her was special. She enabled me to love deeper than I have ever loved before. I was finally willing to be truly committed.

So, as she got more and more into men, I became more insecure. She refused to stop what she was doing and I was incapable of feeling confident about our relationship. The more I tried to be the person she could love, the worse she would treat me. I refuse to see what was happening because I cherished the good things between us.

Through all the turmoil that was created I was still able to keep my heart open to her. I was exhausted and beaten to a pulp, but I still believed we could make the relationship work.

I have been consciously closing my heart to her, and setting her free. This, as you know, has been a difficult task, but each day it I am getting better at it. She has shown me how important a partnership has become for me. I am slowly becoming grateful for my time with her. For me that is progress.

2006-05-20T18:56:00.000-07:00

I haven't written anything in a while because I am feeling quite empty. Not really a bad empty, just a 'where do you want to go now' empty. I am ready to embrace new ideas and new catalysts to move on with my life.

I have been mulling over setting some creative goals. I haven't expressed myself creatively in years, and I would like to get back into it. Thinking creatively is like thinking forward, and for me, prevents getting stuck in negativity. I really need a good dose of thinking forward to combat all the loss that has been consuming me.

My new camera will arrive either Monday or Tuesday. I still need to buy a flash card before I can use it, but as long as I can read the directions I should be good to go......

Help me out bloggers: If you could add a new activity, a new skill, a new goal, or form of entertainment to your life, what would that be?

2006-05-16T14:32:00.000-07:00

Well, it's official - my Ex has already hooked up with some man. I knew she was with someone, but she was incapable of being honest about it. I am quite relieved, and sometimes quite happy that she will be gone soon.

She will be leaving the city, hopefully, next month. Then, I will never have to worry about running into her again, or getting soft and contacting her. Maybe life with a man will be more grounding for her. I am so exhausted from all the drama, but I have reached a point where I can wish her well, and shut the door on this chapter.

Time to move on, and start thinking about how I want to rebuild my life. I found this blog the other day, and was so moved by one of it's entries. It is the "What I Love About You" list located at http://www.todolistblog.com/ (don't know how to do the link....).

At one time I had this type of free forming passion for my Ex, but I couldn't sustain it. For those of you in long term relationships - How do you maintain your passion for your partner as time goes by? How do you sustain a positive relationship?

2006-05-14T18:26:00.000-07:00

Mother's day is tough for me. My mother passed away in '99, and I am slowly recovering from her absence. I don't cry as often, but I still cry as hard. Sometimes, I feel like she is the only one who never gave up on me. She never stopped believing in me. She has been the only person that was always there for me.

I hooked up with my last girlfriend on Mother's Day 2 years ago. We had a standing joke that it was my mother that sent her to me. My two most important girls were not with me this year. I didn't give myself time to be sad - I went dancing instead. There was a Gator festival here on the west coast so we did some swing dancing.

I just met these new dance buddies, and today I found out that one of them was raised in the Midwest approximately 15 miles from where I grew up. She went to the same college as my ex, and get this - she has been sober for 22 years. What are the odds of that happening? Funny how things can just fall into place.

Today is good.

2006-05-11T10:46:00.000-07:00

Well, I saw her on Tuesday. We went shopping for Tango clothes. I don't understand why I keep going back for more rejection, and abuse. The patterns are inescapable, and I don't see any way to make anything better between us. Intellectually I know this, but, somewhere, in the dusty corners of my sick mind, I still want her. All the lies, all the cheating, all the secrets and total irresponsibility have not convinced me to walk away.

What will it take to jump start myself into a different consciousness? That is my question for today. I have busied up my time - new people, new activities, but it doesn't fill the emptiness. My life is full, but I have nothing to be excited about. I need a catalyst........

2006-05-07T19:18:00.000-07:00

Today is good.

I'm going tango dancing with the girls.

2006-05-06T14:47:00.000-07:00

I went to my meeting last night. After I talked to a str8t guy, who is a therapist, and he promptly told me that 50% of marriages end in break-ups. After the first marriage, I believe the percentage goes up to 80% failure for subsequent relationships. He then went on to say, if you enter into a relationship knowing that it will probably end, then it should be easier to enjoy them for their duration.

It was an enlightening conversation. For a moment I had a totally different perspective on my experience. Unfortunately, the enlightenment didn't carry through into today. I guess there is always tomorrow.........

2006-05-04T14:51:00.000-07:00

I can't understand my transformation. I was so passionate about this woman, so in love. Today, I am totally indifferent. She is still the first thing I think about in the morning, and the last before I drift off to sleep, but I just don't have the passion today.

This last week I have been pretty sick. I don't have insurance so I have to tough it out, and hope I get better. Last Saturday I was really scared so I called my ex and asked her to bring me some soup. She did, and continued to call me daily to see how I was doing. I had spent almost an entire week on the verge of passing out and hyperventilating coupled with severe headaches.

The sad thing is that my ex has a gaming friend that is a medical doctor. She never once offered to call her friend, and asked him if he would help me. This woman that I was so passionate about, the one I gave my heart and soul to, that I wanted to marry and spent the rest of my life with doesn't care about my well being. She would rather risk having me die then introduce her friend to me. How sad is that? Today, she recommended that I go to the county free clinic. How sad is that?

I am shocked at the cold, self-centered monster that she has become. Today, I was hit by a van on my way to the hairdresser. The driver gave me erroneous information, so I contacted my ex's aunt who works in Fraud. I contacted my ex and told her I called her aunt. She has a tendency to go ballistic when I contact her family so I wanted to give her a 'heads-up'. She didn't even ask if I was injured.

It's a good thing our relationship has fallen apart. I was ready to give this woman everything......... put her on the deed, help pay for her schooling. I am so grateful that she doesn't want to be with me anymore.

2006-04-30T20:37:00.000-07:00

I have only been blogging about the end of my relationship, but it 'Tis the Season' for letting go.......

Not only has my relationship bit the dust, but my favorite neighbor has sold his house and moved to Montana, and my vet is leaving in June. For this alcoholic, that leaves a whole lot of empty space inside, and way too much room for thoughts to echo. Today, I am choosing to take the advise of a fellow blogger, and hope that I will be happier soon, and that something good will cross my path.

2006-04-28T16:07:00.000-07:00

I worked so hard yesterday to come to some sort of acceptance of my current break-up, and it didn't take long to get right back into my anger and resentments. If I am not submersed in my anger, then I am secretly wishing for her to get healthier so we can be together forever.

Eventually, reality does come calling, and I am sitting in the cold, vast space of aloneness. I don't like being there, but I am coming to believe that it is better than the franticness of my jealousy.

Every day I wonder if my bottom has arrived......

2006-04-26T09:09:00.000-07:00

My lover and I have been breaking up for several months now. It has been a slow and painful experience for me, but I think this time it's really the end.

I first started blogging when I started discovering all her secrets. My words described the tremendous pain I was in, and the unhealthy way I was dealing with it. I deleted that blog, and decided to try a healthier approach to dealing with feelings. I am still stuck in overwhelming sadness and loss, but each day I try to work the program on my situation.

We both did things to each other to survive, or escape our own individual pain. It unfortunately caused more problems for the relationship. Trust became a huge stumbling block. How can you build a partnership without trusting that person.

For me all the lies were difficult to accept. She lied about everything and everyone to protect herself from my disapproval. She lied so much that her lies conflicted with each other. I would call her on it and that would make it worse. She became tired of me questioning everything about her.

I still wanted her back. Not as who she is, but who she could be. I can't accept how she behaves towards me. I can't accept how she so willingly hurts me. But, deep down in my being, I love this person beyond belief. Against all recommendations, I would do anything to make things better between us, and to be with her. I can't figure out if that is from the depth of my pain, or the depth of my love for this woman. Oh well, more will be reveled..........

2006-04-22T17:26:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, I desperately needed some serenity, so I decided to go online to read page 449. Couldn't find that page in the new addition. I even called Central Office to find the new number. They said it was page 417.......... I went to my meeting instead.

Today, I found what I was looking for:

And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation -- some fact of my life -- unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment.

Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God's world by mistake. Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober; unless I accept life completely on life's terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes.