My lover and I have been breaking up for several months now. It has been a slow and painful experience for me, but I think this time it's really the end.

I first started blogging when I started discovering all her secrets. My words described the tremendous pain I was in, and the unhealthy way I was dealing with it. I deleted that blog, and decided to try a healthier approach to dealing with feelings. I am still stuck in overwhelming sadness and loss, but each day I try to work the program on my situation.

We both did things to each other to survive, or escape our own individual pain. It unfortunately caused more problems for the relationship. Trust became a huge stumbling block. How can you build a partnership without trusting that person.

For me all the lies were difficult to accept. She lied about everything and everyone to protect herself from my disapproval. She lied so much that her lies conflicted with each other. I would call her on it and that would make it worse. She became tired of me questioning everything about her.

I still wanted her back. Not as who she is, but who she could be. I can't accept how she behaves towards me. I can't accept how she so willingly hurts me. But, deep down in my being, I love this person beyond belief. Against all recommendations, I would do anything to make things better between us, and to be with her. I can't figure out if that is from the depth of my pain, or the depth of my love for this woman. Oh well, more will be reveled..........