I have been analyzing my life during the last two weeks. When I get into these moods - wondering what I am doing, and where I want to go next, I don't always have a positive outlook about my experiences. Many times I think I have wasted my time here on this planet. That belief is what propels me into living life to the fullest, and packing in as many activities as I can. This introspection is one of the reasons I haven't posted in a while.
I choose to live in many different communities. I walk among the sober community, the gay community, and all the individual communities that gather for a specific interests - dancing, fencing, gem mining, poodles, orchids, mushrooms, wildlife etc. Variety and exploring this world is what makes me happy. Sobriety, and the twelve steps of AA give me the opportunity to live this way, and I am extremely grateful.
The glitch is that many times I just don't feel like I belong, especially in the gay community in my city. I use to think it was just me, but as time goes on I see how our community, especially the women, have little acceptance for one another. Amongst ourselves, bad behavior is the norm, and goes relatively unchallenged. Sadly, bad behavior exists in the sober gay community, and well as with those who are still using.
I can't figure out if I am depressed, old age is settling in, or I am too tired to give a shit, but I find myself lacking the desire to keep trying to be a part of the lesbian group. This is the group that I have spent my entire life craving acceptance from. The straight community has demonstrated more respect for me as an individual than the community that I am deeply drawn to.
At the same time I condemn the local lesbian community, I also condemn myself. Why am I attracting , or choosing to keep interacting with lesbians who who treat me poorly? There was a time not long ago that I was proud to continue to treat certain women with respect when I was not offered the same. Today, I don't feel like spending the energy to keep trying. In fact, just seeing many of these women in my vicinity creates an energy drain.
So, the question is: how do I change this pattern that I have developed? How do I draw people into my life that I am compatible with and interested in? Bloggers, what do you do to attract healthy people into your life?