Friday, August 24, 2007

I have been analyzing my life during the last two weeks. When I get into these moods - wondering what I am doing, and where I want to go next, I don't always have a positive outlook about my experiences. Many times I think I have wasted my time here on this planet. That belief is what propels me into living life to the fullest, and packing in as many activities as I can. This introspection is one of the reasons I haven't posted in a while.

I choose to live in many different communities. I walk among the sober community, the gay community, and all the individual communities that gather for a specific interests - dancing, fencing, gem mining, poodles, orchids, mushrooms, wildlife etc. Variety and exploring this world is what makes me happy. Sobriety, and the twelve steps of AA give me the opportunity to live this way, and I am extremely grateful.

The glitch is that many times I just don't feel like I belong, especially in the gay community in my city. I use to think it was just me, but as time goes on I see how our community, especially the women, have little acceptance for one another. Amongst ourselves, bad behavior is the norm, and goes relatively unchallenged. Sadly, bad behavior exists in the sober gay community, and well as with those who are still using.

I can't figure out if I am depressed, old age is settling in, or I am too tired to give a shit, but I find myself lacking the desire to keep trying to be a part of the lesbian group. This is the group that I have spent my entire life craving acceptance from. The straight community has demonstrated more respect for me as an individual than the community that I am deeply drawn to.

At the same time I condemn the local lesbian community, I also condemn myself. Why am I attracting , or choosing to keep interacting with lesbians who who treat me poorly? There was a time not long ago that I was proud to continue to treat certain women with respect when I was not offered the same. Today, I don't feel like spending the energy to keep trying. In fact, just seeing many of these women in my vicinity creates an energy drain.

So, the question is: how do I change this pattern that I have developed? How do I draw people into my life that I am compatible with and interested in? Bloggers, what do you do to attract healthy people into your life?


At 4:49 PM, Blogger Namenlosen Trinker said...

The 12&12 talks about "our total inability to form a true partnership with another human being." Every time I read it I despair of ever knowing success in this area.

If I knew the answer to your question, I'd write a book and it would doubtless sell a few million copies. If you ever find the answer, let me know and I'll ghostwrite for you; that way we'll both get rich!

At 12:43 AM, Blogger Elizabeth McClung said...

Uh.....sit inside all day. Wish I could help you but finding good compatable people is my life goal - accepting people would be cool too.

I think it is important to identify that you are worth more than bad treatment though - hey, that offer is still open if you want to come vacation here and fix stuff and we'll go to Lucky 7 at night to dance (only wheelchair accessible place in town). Interested?

At 6:11 AM, Blogger Trudging said...

I get the many different communities thing. An early sponsor told me to think of it as being bicultural. Also if you are part of several differant communities you speak several different languages. You know sober speak, lesbain speak...

At 7:29 PM, Blogger Daniel, the Guy in the Desert said...

I'm pretty sure I'm not the one to ask....

At 8:40 PM, Blogger the only daughter said...

Still working on that myself.

{{hope you find the answer sooner rather than later}}

At 1:49 AM, Blogger The Patient Connection said...

Can you help with a new research project about alcoholism?


We are running a research blog into the diagnosis, treatment and lifestyles of people who have been diagnosed with alcoholism.

We are really interested in the story of you or a friend’s or family member’s diagnosis. It would be really great if you could spare a few minutes to have look and share your thoughts

Please remember that all responses are completely anonymous and this study will help shape new research into this area.

Email me if you have any queries about this project.


The Patient Connection

At 7:29 PM, Blogger Tab said...

holy smokes I haven't been by to see you forever nor did I get you back on my new link list-will have to change that ASAP.

Geesh..big question
to end a beautifully share post

Personally I dont have a lot of people in my life but the ones I do have are for real because I keep to my new healthy boundaries and I keep an opened and creative mind.

Follow your heart and I guarentee(even if I can't spell it) truly good people will come in to your life :)

xo Tabster

At 9:16 AM, Blogger Tab said...

Happy Labour Day Sober at Sundown:)

At 10:23 AM, Blogger Alcoholic Brain said...

Pray about it. Just be you. I think your awesome!

At 5:16 AM, Blogger Casdok said...

I think we all sometimes have days like that.
And not sure there is an amswer.

At 11:49 AM, Blogger Brian said...

When we bought our house we knew we needed foundation repair. These guys were quick and professional.


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