I have reached a milestone today. I finally cleared out all the messages my ex, NVF, left on my cell phone. The messages dated back to 2004, and I never had what it took (whatever that is......) to erase them. For a long time I just avoided going into my voicemail. The mailbox has been full for many months and no one was able to leave messages. I was okay with this cause there were a few girls that I was avoiding from the present. However, they soon discovered that they could just text me to be heard.
The collection of messages from NVF showed the progression of our relationship. In the beginning they were very sweet and loving, and in the end they showed total distain for me. For a long time I couldn't erase them, and I fooled myself into thinking I was keeping a record of how awful, and abusive she had become. If I ever missed her so much that I couldn't take it, I could just listen to how her voice changed over time. Thing is I never did listen for that purpose; I just couldn't let go.
What I couldn't let go of was how much I enjoyed the sweet sound of her voice in the beginning. However, when I would get to the messages recorded during the end of 2005 and beginning of 2006, I would feel horrible about myself and the relationship. It was interesting how in the end she never had her phone with her to take my calls, or left it in the other room, or in the car, or.......... Still I would save them no matter how nasty they were.
It took two attempts to erase all the messages today. The first time I went through and saved every single one. It took twenty minutes to listen to each one completely. I was getting angry with myself cause I know this woman doesn't waste a second thinking about me anymore, and I should be doing the same with her memory. The second time I went into voicemail, I managed to erase every one.
I feel such a sense of freedom.
Thank goodness this is a program of progress and not perfection on the first try. Otherwise I would have been thrown out long, long ago. I am grateful for everyone who sticks with me while I go through my own twisted process to get to where I need to be.