Tuesday, March 27, 2007

My friend has decided that she is not ready for NA. I guess the fear of using Meth again has subsided a bit and she has decided that she can carry on without any significant impact. I saw her Saturday night and she was drinking. I hate to see someone bump along the bottom, but all I can do is wait till she is ready. In the meantime I have to keep my distance.

I think I am getting tired of home improvements. There is still so much work to be done, and the progress is slow. I finally have a waterproof house with 2 of the 3 layers of stucco applied. I am aware of my gratitude when it rains. It has been over five years since I could sleep through a night if the wind was blowing or it rained. The last couple of rains I woke up, said to myself, "Oh, it's raining", and rolled over to drift off again. What a treat.

Stucco in the front of the house.

Stucco in the rear of the house.

Sunday, March 18, 2007

On February 7th, 2007 I posted about a woman that I dance with. I was concerned that she was going down the path of using drugs again, and I asked a mutual friend to twelve step her. Saturday night I saw her, and she admitted to me that she did used drugs. I am grateful that she had the courage to tell me that she used again. She said she would be willing to go to NA meetings, but not AA. I told her I would take her to a meeting a day for thirty days in order for her to stay clean.

She called me on Sunday evening and we talked about her drug usage. I didn't realize how messed up this girl was, and how much she was using. She agreed to go to thirty meetings in thirty days, and she would start on Monday. I was willing to reschedule my life, and go to NA to help her get clean.

Monday arrives, and guess what? She IM'ed me with an excuse to avoid a meeting. I had her call me, and we talked about her excuses, and that she is playing with fire. She said she would be back in town on Thursday and would be ready to go to a meeting then.

Today I am very sad. I don't think she is ready to get clean and sober, and there is nothing I can do about it. I know it is for her to determine if she has reached her bottom, and when she is ready I will take her to meetings. It is really difficult watching someone held hostage by this disease. I will have to see what Thursday brings.

Friday, March 09, 2007

Wednesday and Thursday I demo'ed the back yard overhang. I don' really know what else to call it. It was a structure 20'x20' that wasn't built very well, and ready to fall over. I have always hated that overhang. It was made of 2x4 posts, and 2x6's placed 16" on center with blocking in-between. On one side it had a 4x12 beam, and it was covered in corrugated tin. It was so ugly and my backyard seems bright and huge with it gone.

Friday the dumpster arrived and I started the exhausting job of hauling construction debris. Normally it takes 4
days to fill it, but I need to get it done in three. The concrete dumpster, along with the concrete demo guys will be here on Monday. I need to remove the concrete patio in the back before the stucco gets applied so the removal doesn't damage the new stuff. Then, the stucco guys will be here on Tuesday.

What I didn't say in my last post, but was thinking is that I am, and will always be grateful for sobriety and the program. The thing that I struggle with is being around alcohol. I am just tired of being around it, and always on guard. Outside of AA, and a few isolated activities like fencing, mining etc, I interact with a lot of normal people who drink normally. They don't have a problem with drinking, I do. I just wish it wasn't such an ever present issue with me.

Friday, March 02, 2007

My worst day sober, and I have had quite a few, is infinitely better then my best day drunk. Every single molecule of my being understands this, and I would never forfeit a single sober experience, or my sobriety for anything.

I know that for me I could never use normally, and I never did. My first drunk was at ten years old. I went to my parents liquor cabinet, and drank a half quart of whiskey. I would take three or four mouthfuls and walk around waiting for the sensations to take effect. Nothing happened. I didn't feel any different so I would return to the liquor cabinet for more. I wanted to know what it was like to get drunk. From that point on I never drank socially; I only drank and used drugs to feel their effects on me.

What sobriety has given me is the opportunity to fully experience life, to be fully present. I have been able to explore many wonderful things, and I look forward to new experiences. For that I am truly grateful.