My Sober Life
Wednesday, May 31, 2006
Tuesday, May 30, 2006
I have spent the morning waltzing around the confines of my mind, 1, 2, 3. 1, 2, 3. You're powerless, something else is, just turn it over. Unfortunately bloggers, I'm not any further along today than I was yesterday. I really miss my companion. She, on the other hand, has made her substitutions, and moved on. Without the aid of drugs and alcohol, I can not shut down my feelings so I must suffer through to the end of my process.
I do not like being single. I rediscover this every day. It is not so much being single as being alone. I have spent my life struggling with this character defect. I wish I could embrace it, and rectify it, but it is always beyond my grasp.
This feeling consumes me with each passing relationship. There is such eminent dread, and fear associated with the thought of being alone. It's like a black hole that I can't escape. I know I will pop through to the other side, I just don't know when. Then, I will look back, and wonder why I was so devastated with this ending.
Friday, May 26, 2006
If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace.
This paragraph always gives me hope to meet life's challenges. I am a total sucker for the promise of serenity. Today I met with a contractor. She told me, "When one door closes, another one opens." I have been repeating that phrase all day long.
Today, I am excited about all the possibilities that life has to offer. I still want a special woman to share it with, but I must believe when it is time she will appear.
Wednesday, May 24, 2006
It's a good thing that my ex is in Boston. It has given me the time to unscramble myself, and get my feet back on the ground. I spent too much time trying to fix our relationship, and she just waiting for the next one to start. I can see that now.
I really shouldn't be shocked, after all, she started with me before she ended her last relationship. Somehow in my twisted mind I thought I was special; this relationship was special. I truly believed we would stay together forever. In reality, my love for her was special. She enabled me to love deeper than I have ever loved before. I was finally willing to be truly committed.
So, as she got more and more into men, I became more insecure. She refused to stop what she was doing and I was incapable of feeling confident about our relationship. The more I tried to be the person she could love, the worse she would treat me. I refuse to see what was happening because I cherished the good things between us.
Through all the turmoil that was created I was still able to keep my heart open to her. I was exhausted and beaten to a pulp, but I still believed we could make the relationship work.
I have been consciously closing my heart to her, and setting her free. This, as you know, has been a difficult task, but each day it I am getting better at it. She has shown me how important a partnership has become for me. I am slowly becoming grateful for my time with her. For me that is progress.
Saturday, May 20, 2006
I haven't written anything in a while because I am feeling quite empty. Not really a bad empty, just a 'where do you want to go now' empty. I am ready to embrace new ideas and new catalysts to move on with my life.
I have been mulling over setting some creative goals. I haven't expressed myself creatively in years, and I would like to get back into it. Thinking creatively is like thinking forward, and for me, prevents getting stuck in negativity. I really need a good dose of thinking forward to combat all the loss that has been consuming me.
My new camera will arrive either Monday or Tuesday. I still need to buy a flash card before I can use it, but as long as I can read the directions I should be good to go......
Help me out bloggers: If you could add a new activity, a new skill, a new goal, or form of entertainment to your life, what would that be?
Tuesday, May 16, 2006
Well, it's official - my Ex has already hooked up with some man. I knew she was with someone, but she was incapable of being honest about it. I am quite relieved, and sometimes quite happy that she will be gone soon.
She will be leaving the city, hopefully, next month. Then, I will never have to worry about running into her again, or getting soft and contacting her. Maybe life with a man will be more grounding for her. I am so exhausted from all the drama, but I have reached a point where I can wish her well, and shut the door on this chapter.
Time to move on, and start thinking about how I want to rebuild my life. I found this blog the other day, and was so moved by one of it's entries. It is the "What I Love About You" list located at http://www.todolistblog.com/ (don't know how to do the link....).
At one time I had this type of free forming passion for my Ex, but I couldn't sustain it. For those of you in long term relationships - How do you maintain your passion for your partner as time goes by? How do you sustain a positive relationship?
Sunday, May 14, 2006
Mother's day is tough for me. My mother passed away in '99, and I am slowly recovering from her absence. I don't cry as often, but I still cry as hard. Sometimes, I feel like she is the only one who never gave up on me. She never stopped believing in me. She has been the only person that was always there for me.
I hooked up with my last girlfriend on Mother's Day 2 years ago. We had a standing joke that it was my mother that sent her to me. My two most important girls were not with me this year. I didn't give myself time to be sad - I went dancing instead. There was a Gator festival here on the west coast so we did some swing dancing.
I just met these new dance buddies, and today I found out that one of them was raised in the Midwest approximately 15 miles from where I grew up. She went to the same college as my ex, and get this - she has been sober for 22 years. What are the odds of that happening? Funny how things can just fall into place.
Today is good.
Thursday, May 11, 2006
Well, I saw her on Tuesday. We went shopping for Tango clothes. I don't understand why I keep going back for more rejection, and abuse. The patterns are inescapable, and I don't see any way to make anything better between us. Intellectually I know this, but, somewhere, in the dusty corners of my sick mind, I still want her. All the lies, all the cheating, all the secrets and total irresponsibility have not convinced me to walk away.
What will it take to jump start myself into a different consciousness? That is my question for today. I have busied up my time - new people, new activities, but it doesn't fill the emptiness. My life is full, but I have nothing to be excited about. I need a catalyst........
Sunday, May 07, 2006
Saturday, May 06, 2006
I went to my meeting last night. After I talked to a str8t guy, who is a therapist, and he promptly told me that 50% of marriages end in break-ups. After the first marriage, I believe the percentage goes up to 80% failure for subsequent relationships. He then went on to say, if you enter into a relationship knowing that it will probably end, then it should be easier to enjoy them for their duration.
It was an enlightening conversation. For a moment I had a totally different perspective on my experience. Unfortunately, the enlightenment didn't carry through into today. I guess there is always tomorrow.........
Thursday, May 04, 2006
I can't understand my transformation. I was so passionate about this woman, so in love. Today, I am totally indifferent. She is still the first thing I think about in the morning, and the last before I drift off to sleep, but I just don't have the passion today.
This last week I have been pretty sick. I don't have insurance so I have to tough it out, and hope I get better. Last Saturday I was really scared so I called my ex and asked her to bring me some soup. She did, and continued to call me daily to see how I was doing. I had spent almost an entire week on the verge of passing out and hyperventilating coupled with severe headaches.
The sad thing is that my ex has a gaming friend that is a medical doctor. She never once offered to call her friend, and asked him if he would help me. This woman that I was so passionate about, the one I gave my heart and soul to, that I wanted to marry and spent the rest of my life with doesn't care about my well being. She would rather risk having me die then introduce her friend to me. How sad is that? Today, she recommended that I go to the county free clinic. How sad is that?
I am shocked at the cold, self-centered monster that she has become. Today, I was hit by a van on my way to the hairdresser. The driver gave me erroneous information, so I contacted my ex's aunt who works in Fraud. I contacted my ex and told her I called her aunt. She has a tendency to go ballistic when I contact her family so I wanted to give her a 'heads-up'. She didn't even ask if I was injured.
It's a good thing our relationship has fallen apart. I was ready to give this woman everything......... put her on the deed, help pay for her schooling. I am so grateful that she doesn't want to be with me anymore.