Sunday, April 30, 2006

I have only been blogging about the end of my relationship, but it 'Tis the Season' for letting go.......

Not only has my relationship bit the dust, but my favorite neighbor has sold his house and moved to Montana, and my vet is leaving in June. For this alcoholic, that leaves a whole lot of empty space inside, and way too much room for thoughts to echo. Today, I am choosing to take the advise of a fellow blogger, and hope that I will be happier soon, and that something good will cross my path.

Friday, April 28, 2006

I worked so hard yesterday to come to some sort of acceptance of my current break-up, and it didn't take long to get right back into my anger and resentments. If I am not submersed in my anger, then I am secretly wishing for her to get healthier so we can be together forever.

Eventually, reality does come calling, and I am sitting in the cold, vast space of aloneness. I don't like being there, but I am coming to believe that it is better than the franticness of my jealousy.

Every day I wonder if my bottom has arrived......

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

My lover and I have been breaking up for several months now. It has been a slow and painful experience for me, but I think this time it's really the end.

I first started blogging when I started discovering all her secrets. My words described the tremendous pain I was in, and the unhealthy way I was dealing with it. I deleted that blog, and decided to try a healthier approach to dealing with feelings. I am still stuck in overwhelming sadness and loss, but each day I try to work the program on my situation.

We both did things to each other to survive, or escape our own individual pain. It unfortunately caused more problems for the relationship. Trust became a huge stumbling block. How can you build a partnership without trusting that person.

For me all the lies were difficult to accept. She lied about everything and everyone to protect herself from my disapproval. She lied so much that her lies conflicted with each other. I would call her on it and that would make it worse. She became tired of me questioning everything about her.

I still wanted her back. Not as who she is, but who she could be. I can't accept how she behaves towards me. I can't accept how she so willingly hurts me. But, deep down in my being, I love this person beyond belief. Against all recommendations, I would do anything to make things better between us, and to be with her. I can't figure out if that is from the depth of my pain, or the depth of my love for this woman. Oh well, more will be reveled..........

Saturday, April 22, 2006

Yesterday, I desperately needed some serenity, so I decided to go online to read page 449. Couldn't find that page in the new addition. I even called Central Office to find the new number. They said it was page 417.......... I went to my meeting instead.

Today, I found what I was looking for:

And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation -- some fact of my life -- unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment.

Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God's world by mistake. Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober; unless I accept life completely on life's terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes.