Monday, April 23, 2007

It has been an entire year since I started this blog. I created it after I found my ex's secret blog where she wrote of all her indiscretions. In the beginning I wrote of my pain of loosing the relationship that I believed would last forever. It took a long, long time to let go of all the good things that we shared together.

But now, time has passed and my cynicism has returned. Sometimes I wonder if that is a defense mechanism, or just part of my core personality. I am leaning towards the latter. I still wonder how I managed to exist in such an abusive, emotionally draining relationship. The more I tried to fixed things, the more she dished out. I can't imagine where we would be now if we had stayed together, but I can guarantee it would not be healthy.

There are couples out there that stay together forever, and with a little effort, I thought I could be one of them. Maybe that will never happen, or maybe it is in my future. Whatever happens, I know that I have finally arrived at a level of acceptance with relationships.

I am grateful that others found this blog interesting enough to read, and offer support and comments. Thank you all for being there for me as I struggle to find my way, and rediscover who I am.

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

Well, my friend has decided that she is not interested in going to meetings anymore. She told me that she felt humiliated and embarrassed to go back to meetings again, and that for the first time she felt that she didn't belong in a twelve step meeting. Since this is a program of attraction rather than promotion, I told her that if she ever wanted to go to a meeting, or needed to talk she could call me. I still hope that someday before it is too late she sets aside her pride and returns.

I don't know how it happened, but my life has become really complicated. I am trying to fit in a lot of different, interesting things, and I am running short on time. I now have days where I must pick between three and four different activities to do that evening. Don't get me wrong, I am incredibly grateful for such a full life. Long ago there was a time when I would pour myself a drink, sit on the couch, light up a joint, and think about all the cool things I could do that day. I would spend the entire day inside my mind and never move a muscle. I am so grateful those days are gone, and I get to choose how to make my life exciting.

Monday, April 09, 2007

I haven't posted in quite some time. Sorry. Life can overwhelming at times.

I went to a funeral last week. My friend's life, or the end of it was celebrated on his birthday, April 2nd. To keep my story anonymous, I will call him Derrick, his lover, Thomas. I met Thomas through me ex, and he soon hooked up with Derrick. I have known them for about three years. Everyone liked Derrick. He was a super nice guy, and lit up any room he walked into.

Derrick developed melanoma last year, and had surgery and chemo to combat the cancer. He was cleared of the cancer last summer. In January of this year, the cancer returned and lodged in his brain. It was called stage four melanoma, and he was classified as terminal. Thomas took care of him till the very end, well until Derrick's family threw him out of the house.

Several weeks before Derrick passed his mother, father and two sisters moved into his 2 bedroom house to stay with him till the end. I don't quite know what happened but Thomas was asked to leave. He started staying with friends, and found an apartment in short order. He was allowed to visit Derrick once a day. On the day of Derrick's passing the phone call came too late, and Thomas didn't make it in time to be with his lover during his last moments of life.

At the Catholicc funeral nothing was mentioned of his life as a gay man, or his contributions to the community, or his friends. The priest spoke of his ascension into heaven, and other stuff that was not connected to Derrick's own personal life. It was all I could do to not stand up and ask the priest, "Did you know Derrick was a gay man? Did you know how well he treated his gay friends?" I spent most of my time at the funeral holding back tears, and getting angry at the disconnect between the service and my friend. What really crowned my anger was that the family was in the front row, and my friend Thomas was delegated to the second row.

This experience was a wake up call for me. I tend to get complacent and believe that we won't be treated this way these days. Gay rights have come a long way in a short amount of time, but we are still not treated as heterosexual couples. It is so sad that we as gay Americans still have very few rights, and our relationships are not treated with respect.

On a brighter note, my friend who I thought wasn't ready for the program texted me that she wanted to go to a meeting. So far, we have attended one AA meeting, and one Crystal Meth Anonymous meeting. As long as they are still breathing there is hope. And, as long as I have hope then I can do whatever it takes to help her get clean and sober.