Sunday, September 30, 2007

Hello friends,

Once again I have put off blogging. I have been trying for days to come up with a topic that is relevant to my current experience, but they all escape me. All I can think of is busy, busy busy...... and that's not really a recovery topic, just a current state of affairs.

I have been working on the house (never seems to end) and trying to get ready for the final application of stucco. Seems I have been doing this for ages, but I am almost there. I have finally settled on the trim colors. I am going to paint the front trim one color and the back trim another. Next week the painters will come to paint. I don't have the patience to paint so I am more than happy to pay someone to do it.

Last week I started contacting kitchen contractors. I am getting really excited about having a kitchen. It's those little things in life, like doing the dishes in a sink designed for that particular activity instead of the bathroom tub. I will be getting 2 bids this week, and will be contacting another contractor for one more.

I was fortunate to spend some time in a fiig orchard this weekend. It was fun tasting all the different fiigs that are in season here in southern California. I am a total fiig nut and I walked away with two different varieties to add to my garden. If anyone is counting that would be a total of 4 fiig trees for the back yard. I hope to add more next year.

I heard through the grapevine that my friend who still chooses to drink is moving back to her hometown. At first I was sad that she was leaving, and thought about approaching her and maybe even dancing with her again. My last memories of interacting with her happened months ago when I asked her to dance (twice). Once she said, "I'm having an important conversation", and the other time she let her hometown friend push me out of the way to dance "one last dance" with her. I thought it would be important to have a final memory that was better than that one.

That lasted for about twenty minutes, then my finely tuned cynicism set in....... It's difficult for an alcoholic/addict to know what balance is. It isn't something that comes naturally, and I never quite know if I've reached it or not. I usually have to rely on feedback from my friends in the program.

Sunday, September 16, 2007

I'm back. I had a wonderful trip home to the Midwest. The weather was gorgeous - so beautiful that I actually wondered (several times) why I left. Then I woke up one morning and it was windy and cold. I repacked the shorts and the flip flops, and spent the rest of my vacation in jeans and long sleeve shirts.

The family reunion was a success. It was a pot luck with all those old recipes that peppered my childhood. I don't eat that way anymore, but it was nice to enjoy the memories.

It was a joy to see all my relatives again. I have an aunt that I haven't seen in over 25 years. She was always the family favorite. I worried that I would never see her alive again and that was the impetus to organize this reunion. My oldest aunt is 82 and the youngest is 68 so their years on this planet are slowly becoming fewer. I was so happy to seem them and their well polished quirks.

I was able to see my childhood friend. It was a shock to see her, and see how different our lives have become. Her memory is sharp and we talked about all the crazy things we did when we were young. I haven't laughed that hard in a long time. I did make amends to her, but she wasn't willing to drag out all the details of the past, so I didn't push it.

There is something about going home that is comforting to the soul. I love all the attention I get from my family, and I quietly sit there and soak it up. It was so rewarding that we are talking about doing it again next year.

Tuesday, September 04, 2007

I am heading home for a visit Thursday, and will be gone for a while. My family is having a reunion. I can't remember the last time we all got together, but it has been a long, long time. There will be cousins from California, Aunts and Uncles from Florida, and many more relatives from the Midwest.

I started stirring the pot earlier this year to have this reunion. I believe I started some time in February. It started with my brother, then an uncle, then a cousin or two. We were going to host it in a park, but my uncle insisted on having it at his house.

Last week, I answered a call from one of my cousins. Her husband was at work and started talking about the reunion to several of his coworkers. One coworker soon recognized that she was familiar with some of the descriptions and started naming specific names. My name soon surfaced, and she asked my cousin to contact me.

At first I thought it was kind of funny. One of my childhood friends happens to work with one of my cousin-in-laws (a cousin-in-law that I have never met!). This old friend wanted to get together and catch up on the decades that have passed. At first, I was excited to get together, but as time went on I began to dread meeting her one on one.

As I discussed this dread with an AA friend it became clear that I still have some amends to make. This was a friend that I started drinking and using drugs with long ago. In early sobriety I did make amends to her, but there are still some memories that give me a sense of dread. I need to clean up this particular "wreckage of my past" and heal this relationship. I have reached the point where I am willing, and even looking forward to making these amends.

See you all soon.......