Sunday, July 29, 2007

The Prride Parade and festival was last weekend. It was kind of disappointing this year, and I have been trying to figure out if it is me, or the event....... I would like to say it was the event, or the folks that put it together, but I'm pretty sure it was me. In fact, I know it was me.

I injured my foot earlier that week so I tried to limit my walking. Usually I walk from the end of the route to the beginning, and stop to say hi and get hugs along the way. At the beginning of the parade route I sit with my sober friends and just before the parade finishes I start walking back to the festival.

This year I stopped in the middle and hung out with some of the girls I dance with. It was a quite group that didn't get out of their seats much or make a lot of noise. When the parade was over we all started walking up to the festival. It is really difficult to get a group of women to walk consistently in the same direction, at the same pace, to the same location. I started falling behind with a group that had to make a stop at the portable toilets. Trying to get them in and out and heading back up the hill to the festival was proving impossible.

While we were waiting someone, I don't quite know who, brought out a pott brownie. They all started sharing and complaining that whoever made it didn't grind up the pott well enough. I was so disappointed to have to see this. I really had no idea that these women did drugs. There were all athletes (not that it makes any difference), and I really only thought they did the social drinking thing.

We finished walking up the hill, and got sucked into one of the parties on the way to the festival. I went in to use a private restroom, but didn't stay for the food. I was already bored with the using, and the length of time it took to walk a quarter mile. I said goodbye to the girls and continued on to the festival alone.

I walked the festival, did a little dancing and went home. It has been a week, and I am still disappointed at seeing the pott brownie. After all this time I still feel uncomfortable around drugs. It's like getting too close to a hot flame. Next year I will have to walk the entire parade route so I can sit with my sober friends at the beginning.

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

This is a piece of the tree that fell on my house. It was a section that was approximately 3 feet off the ground. I tried to get the tree cutters to slice off the bottom piece, but my Spanish was inadequate. I have kept this piece of wood from harm for the last six years. I was saving it to....... do something with, but to date, I didn't have any ideas. I am really good at saving things.

Today was the day I decided to wash my truck. For most of humanity this would be no big deal, but for me this was monumental. It has been over a year since I washed my truck. Why? Don't quite know. The last time I washed my truck my ex and I were preparing for a road trip. That was over a year ago. With all the things I have to do, this task always remained a low priority.

I was too lazy to bring both hoses up to the front yard so I could wash my truck in the driveway. Instead I brought up one hose, and moved my truck closer to the water spout. I pulled up close and tried to back in even closer to the water. My truck, for some reason, kept getting stuck, and I couldn't figure out why. I went back and forth, and back and forth on a level piece of ground. Little did I know I was backing over my chunk of wood.

Guess it was time for me to let go of that piece of wood. Now, I need to get my friend over here to collect this little pile.
Priide is coming.......... Yippee

Monday, July 09, 2007

Last Friday, I was running late to PT so I was driving a bit faster than normal. As I was driving through the intersection before the office, I looked to my right and saw my ex. She was smiling, talking on the cell, and futzing with her hair while looking in the rearview mirror.

At that moment, time stopped. She recognized me, and I recognized her. There is no other reason for her to be at that particular intersection except to be hanging out with one of her many boyfriends. I was knocked off my center. It took a little while for my composure to return, but by the end of my therapy session I was back to what I consider normal.

Shutting the door on this relationship was a very slow process. I know I still have more "letting go" to do, but I have discovered a tiny sense of serenity. It has been over a year, and I have reached the place where I don't have the energy to think about her anymore. When I start to think of her many boyfriends, or how she treated me so poorly I automatically extinguish the thought.

Acceptance, relying on a power greater than myself to restore me to sanity, and letting go has helped me get to this point. I think I am ready to look towards the future, and dream of possibilities. It is a good thing no one gets kicked out of this program for being slow.........