Friday, August 24, 2007

I have been analyzing my life during the last two weeks. When I get into these moods - wondering what I am doing, and where I want to go next, I don't always have a positive outlook about my experiences. Many times I think I have wasted my time here on this planet. That belief is what propels me into living life to the fullest, and packing in as many activities as I can. This introspection is one of the reasons I haven't posted in a while.

I choose to live in many different communities. I walk among the sober community, the gay community, and all the individual communities that gather for a specific interests - dancing, fencing, gem mining, poodles, orchids, mushrooms, wildlife etc. Variety and exploring this world is what makes me happy. Sobriety, and the twelve steps of AA give me the opportunity to live this way, and I am extremely grateful.

The glitch is that many times I just don't feel like I belong, especially in the gay community in my city. I use to think it was just me, but as time goes on I see how our community, especially the women, have little acceptance for one another. Amongst ourselves, bad behavior is the norm, and goes relatively unchallenged. Sadly, bad behavior exists in the sober gay community, and well as with those who are still using.

I can't figure out if I am depressed, old age is settling in, or I am too tired to give a shit, but I find myself lacking the desire to keep trying to be a part of the lesbian group. This is the group that I have spent my entire life craving acceptance from. The straight community has demonstrated more respect for me as an individual than the community that I am deeply drawn to.

At the same time I condemn the local lesbian community, I also condemn myself. Why am I attracting , or choosing to keep interacting with lesbians who who treat me poorly? There was a time not long ago that I was proud to continue to treat certain women with respect when I was not offered the same. Today, I don't feel like spending the energy to keep trying. In fact, just seeing many of these women in my vicinity creates an energy drain.

So, the question is: how do I change this pattern that I have developed? How do I draw people into my life that I am compatible with and interested in? Bloggers, what do you do to attract healthy people into your life?

Wednesday, August 08, 2007

Tango had her first trackking lesson today. It was a lot of fun for me, and I think she is a natural at it. It took about a month to find someone in the area that did this dog sport, and I found a really neat old timer that has been trackking for over 40 years. I had to drive 1.5 hours one way to get to his area, but it was well worth it.

To start off he laid a linear walking track, and put a glove at the end with a treat on top of it. At first Tango, in full puppy fashion, paid attention to everything except what he was doing. She would track the birds in the air, the squirrels on the ground, challenge the geese, and do 360's in the air. On the second track she paid better attention, and actually follow the scent trail, and by the third time she was trackking very well. I am really happy with her progress, and we are going to meet again next week..

A follow up note about my friend that still wants to drink. I haven't written about her lately because it is not very positive news. She basically has not reached her bottom. Using drugs a few months ago was just a false bottom. She doesn't want to stop drinking and no longer wants to attend meetings. Because of her choices, I have pulled back, and don't communicate much with her. I have reached a point where I don't even want to dance with her anymore.

I don't care for the way she treats me, and she doesn't see anything wrong with her behavior. She is consumed by this disease, and her vision blurred by denial. I have to take care of myself, and protect my own sobriety. In order to do that I have detached from her and her bad behavior. I have turned her over to her higher power. I truly hope that she finds sobriety before it's too late.

Tango with her new haircut.